Damn. I Got Played

 

   

   
     It's just as the headline reads - I got played. Now let me explain what that means. I'm dating. The purpose of me dating is to find my significant other (I'm a bit too mature to refer to someone as a "boyfriend"). Once my significant other and I have found each other the goal for us will be to become engaged. After that, marriage. It's that simple. Date. Commit. Engage. Marry. Of course, there is a ton of bull*hit that will come with getting through those simple yet complex steps but I'm willing to do the work so I'm expecting a great return. 

    I'm not sure if most women employ this tactic but I'm very upfront about what I want and expect. It's never with a disrespectful, finger waving, neck rolling tone either. I simply communicate what I'm looking for and what I want for my life. I'm also all about making sure I am doing right by the person I'm in a relationship with. If it doesn't work, then hey, that's OK as well. More often times than not I do meet really good guys and we simply don't work. There is either no chemistry or he just isn't that into me or vice versa. That's it.

    With me being an upfront type of gal I usually do a great job of weeding out the "one and done" type of guy. The "OAD" guy is the one you have 1 date with and they decide you're not worth the effort (for whatever the reason). Now, what I wasn't prepared for was the guy that decides "Yeah, I hear you but imma still try to *uck. I hear what you're saying about your vision for a marriage and a husband. You've laid out your expectations. We might be able to have something but I'm not sure if I really want that with you. One thing I do know  is that I would *uck you if given the opportunity. That relationship thing, eeh. 

    This is the dude who got by my years of experience. IKR. Shame on me. So here's the deal. I've been "dating" (getting to know each other without engaging in casual, non-committal sex) someone for about a month. I liked him because he made me laugh and I felt comfortable around him almost immediately. Unlike some men (even those that are educated) he didn't use curse words (at least around me), which was so refreshing. There are just some things that I don't do in the presence of a man and I expect the same. Things like cursing, yelling, burping, farting or not excusing myself from a room full of men when I'm the only woman, are just not feminine characteristics. And no matter how comfortable I am with my man I would never do those things around him. So when he displayed some of this same behavior I was like "awwwl right nah". 

   Out the gate we were able to talk about community, politics, pop culture, parenting and a host of other topics. I asked the questions I wanted to know the answers to and his answers  worked for me. Now, lets fast forward to the what I call the "regrouping" stage. I like to ask the guy I'm dating similar questions to the ones I asked when we initially met. It's not a game but once a person gets to know you their answers and perspectives change. My uncle has always told me "they all come out of the gate good but how he runs the race for you is the deciding factor on how he feels about you."

Me: "So, why haven't you had a girlfriend?" 

Him: "I don't want one."

Me: (Scooby Doo) urrgghh? Then what are you doing on a dating website with a defined status of "Looking For: Serious relationship"? (I was really thinking then WTH are we doing?)

Him: "I mean if I find her then cool.  . . . I just go with it".

Me: "Have you ever purchased a plane ticket without knowing the flight's destination? Ending up in Bangladesh is quite different than ending up in Turks & Caicos?"

Him: Naw but I mean I feel like it's more difficult to find a person to date than it is to keep a serious relationship or marriage together. So I just go with whatever.

   This conversation with this new person continued for about 30 minutes. I don't even remember what the hell we discussed in the last 30 minutes. I was still back on the "I don't want one" answer. This is when I discovered I had played myself. I made the assumption that because I had made my intentions known early on that we were both moving in the same direction. A relationship. Clearly what I know I want ( a significant other/husband) is different from his very casual approach to eventually finding "miss right" or "miss right now". My girl told me that I go to hard in the paint on dudes. She said that I don't allow enough time for things to develop and that I'm too quick to keep it moving.

   I believed that for about 3 days then I resorted to what works for me - I kept it moving. In the process of keeping it moving I'm not going to do any male bashing or call up the "Bitter Heifer Association" for a night out with the girls. I'm simply going to examine my behavior and adjust it (if necessary). I'll do this while trying to refrain from singing Jasmine Sullivan's "I Bust the Windows Out Your Car". JUST KIDDING!!! I know, I know. It's only been about 30 days worth of dating. Better than 3 years right? But disappointment is disappointment just like pain is pain. There is no threshold based on the source.  I kinda feel like that helium balloon that you watch slowly deflate over the course of a few weeks. Needless to say but dating today is hard work and can take a toll on anyone (man or woman). Quite honestly being back to square 1 sucks.

   I wanted to share this experience because as humans we do a great job at giving out advise and appear to have all the answers without divulging any of the heartache. I came across a quote that read "Never compare your everyday life to someone else's highlight reel". That is indeed what social media is. Articles, status updates, tweets, perfect pics - it's all the good stuff. The stuff we don't mind showing the world. Me - I'm 'bout real life. The good, the bad, the ugly. I'm at a point where I don't mind sharing who I really am and in the process I hope to make my mess a message.

   At the end of the day we ARE ALL CRAY! It's simply about finding the one that can love your cray and so in that spirit of wanting to be loved we continue on. Since there is always one asshole that emails me or comments and takes the article totally out of context let me be perfectly clear. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't write to bash men. I don't write to bash women. I write with the objective of informing and expressing what I have learned and experienced. At the end of the day we all (that's right) ALL of us want to be loved by someone other than our Momma. If sharing my mess ups gets one person through a tough day or encourages someone to move forward with doing what is right instead of trying to be right - then mission accomplished. 

   In short, we have got to do better by each other. Any one that can look at the state of today's relationships and accept them as they are has a problem. If you can't see how *ucked up things really are out here then you sir/ma`me are apart of the problem. We don't love or care about each other any more and that makes me sad. I have no shame in being human.

   Keep ya heads up ladies and gents. In the words of Sam Cooke, "its been a long time coming . . . but change gon' come." Now I know Sam was making a political statement about racism and division but look at the way we treat "Love". It's hated. It's misunderstood. It's taken for granted. It's exploited. It's accepted behind closed doors where the world can't see it. If "Love" is not the new minority then tell me what else is.

the truth about . . . Jay Z aka Sean Carter

"Now these *iggas is mad, oh they call me a camel. But I mastered the drought, what the *uck. I'm an animal. Half man half mammal;  my sign is a Sag. This is just what I planned to do, oh, don't be mad."

  At this very moment as I'm putting pen to paper I'm streaming J. Without doubt he is THE BEST TO EVER DO IT. PERIOD. Just like they'll never be another group like the Beatles or a pop phenom like Micheal Jackson; they'll never be another Jay Z aka Sean Carter. And when I say "do it" I'm referring to "doing" Hip Hop. Not this bull*hit that most late 80's and beyond babies happily download and recite. That ish is "rap music".

     I could go on and on listing the many accomplishments of J. I mean any time you're on "lets get together and change the course of history" terms with the POTUS there's not much more that needs to be said. But for the sake of substantiating this point let's continue. I must first define Hip Hop in order to lay claim as to why J (and I refer to him as J because I know him and no, he doesn't know me) is the epitome of the definition. Hip Hop is not a beat. Hip Hop is not lyrical content (although lyrical depth is completely MIA these days). Hip Hop is not one dimensional. Hip Hop is not defined by cars, clothes, money and hoes. Hip Hop is not a genre.

   Hip Hop is life and death; both coexisting at the same time. Hip Hop is a continual cycle of strategically abducting the less than fair opportunity that life will grin and begrudgingly hand you; as if it is doing you some sort of favor. Hip Hop is evolutionary. Hip Hop is NOT concluding that the *ucked up circumstances you were born into is all there is to life. Hood for life right? What dumbass wants to stay in the hood? Hip Hop is NOT about "work hard play hard". Have you ever been witness to Steve Jobs(R.I.P.), Mark Zuckerburg or Oprah Winfrey "working" hard. Strategically planning? Yes. Critically thinking? Yes. But "working" (which is a physical act), No. 

   I don't need to chronicle his "rags to riches" tale (Google it). J isn't the best to ever do it because of the money any way. J respected the game. Learned the game. Reinvented the game. Then transitioned the game.  All by doing what ALL grown men do - "Yall should grow the *UCK up come here let me coach you". 

1. Be receptive to opportunity (learning from BIG he recognized how Hip Hop could alter his life. Bow-tie before I die ).

2. Exploit the opportunity (independently hustling what he knew best; not product but the streets)

3. Give 'em what they want and get what you need ("I dumb down for my audience to double my dollars")

4. Admit that eagles can't soar with pigeons ("Hov had to get the shallow *hit up off him")

5. Learn from you're surroundings instead of becoming enchanted with them (40/40 Clubs over cars)

6. Accept your demons and deal with them (forgiving the man that abandoned him wasn't easy but understanding that his forgiveness wasn't for his Dad but for Blue Ivy was monumental (you'll get that later- hopefully)

7.Engage with people who are where you want to be (I doubt Warren Buffet will ever sit down with Rick Ross).

  Is J Einstein? Nope. "Far from a Harvard student; just had the balls to do it." To put it simply, J is the epitome of the perfect storm; in which he uses the elements of non-traditional hustle and intellect to secure his seat at the table.  He runs an empire. He engages the wealthy (not rich) and powerful. He's a giver (". . .ask Columbine"). He's a philanthropist (". . .gave water out to everybody"). He's a son. He's a husband. He's a father. There are over 300 million pics of J available on the G search engine. Not one (at least that I saw) in a compromising position.  He saw what he could be and was smart enough not to compromise. He didn't take the bait - visionary. Sure, SuperHead outed him but how many men turn down good head? Besides it's not like this was a rarity for her.


   Hip Hop is a gift to those of us that were born with shades of brown skin (Em is an outlier). It is a courtesy passed down  to us a.k.a. "those people". In its simplest form it's a chance. Not one that should be happily watered down because "rappers" can't get past their own limited vision and intellectually combine life and lyrics. Repeating "ass" is as about as deep as a puddle on a day the sun never stops shining.

  Since this "gift" has been passed on to J he's cultivated it; raised the requirements to be included within the ranks of the greats (Em, Pimp-Juice and Us). He is the best to ever do it. He is Hip Hop.

 



 

  

the truth about . . . You're not thick your FAT (part II)

  Not too long ago I wrote a piece on weight. It was a kind way of saying, "hey, things are getting out of control with how much America is beginning to weigh." To be fair and authentic, any topic I write about is being written from a personal perspective. I know what it's like to be overweight. Having been a resident of "umpuh-lumpuhville" myself (weighing 225lbs), I get it. Which is why it's difficult for me to have compassion for people who refuse to acknowledge what's happening to their bodies or work to improve them.

   It's extremely difficult for me to understand this new era of "fat". This overconfident, brash, pushy, presumptuous, over-bearing woman that is in denial about two things. 1.) her health. 2.) the way she looks. Let me set the record straight so that men aren't left to do the heavy lifting (pun intended). There is nothing remotely sexy or appealing about a woman that is obese or morbidly obese. N O T  H I N G!!! And just because the porn industry has a BBW category doesn't make it acceptable. There is also a difference between dressing like a lady or a whore no matter your size. Today I'm addressing the whores (or as most rap songs say "these ho's).

   You may be kind. You may be talented. You may be smart. You may be educated. You may be pretty. Those qualities alone are enough to radiate sexiness. But NOOOOO. You'd rather prance around in a dress that was originated for a size 0, 2 or 4 and you're a size 24. Do you not know what you look like? In short, please stop disrespecting yourself. If you can't do that at least respect the fact that many of us don't wanna see you - NAKED. I know what some of you are thinking, don't look then. Sorry, we are innocent onlookers; mesmerized like a deer in the headlights. Which is why we can't stop looking.

   Is everyone woman going to be a size 0, 2, or 4? No. Should every woman be a size 0, 2 or 4? No. But every woman should know the truth. Parading yourself around half naked looking like a rump roast before the strings are removed or a can of busted biscuits just to prove you're some how competitive with the skinny chics is sad. It does nothing but reinforce the stereotype that you will do anything and everything for the attention you are craving. You have a group of friends who all look just like you and instead of saying "Damn, this is not a good look. We are out of breath; we have high blood pressure and we are predisposed to diabetes based on family history. We are using the electronic cart at the grocery store because we can't walk for 30 minutes. We gotta get this ish under control. We don't have to look like toothpicks but we gotta do something. Let's support each other and get it done." 

    That is clearly not the conversation. The convo goes something like this "Girl bye! I'm HOTT just like the rest of these broads. My hair is fly (which I refuse to sweat out by the way), I can dress and I got a cute face". 

    What you've done is surrounded yourself with a group of peers that affirm your mess. Instead of you taking the "Bitter Heffa Association" to the next level you'd rather slap high fives with them so you can stay in your comfort zone. You'd rather be tolerable than chased. The average man will say "yeah, I'd hit" (at least for right now). And I've conversed with plenty of men that have shared with me how they really feel.  

   "If I'm with a woman and I love her and she begins to gain weight I'm not going to leave her but things may change if I'm not attracted to her sexually any more."

  "If I treated my wife/significant other a certain way when we first met (flowers, candy, shopping, trips, etc.) and I stopped, wouldn't she be upset? Now if she gains weight, like a lot of weight, I'm not suppose to be upset? That's not how we began our relationship".

  "The side walk is free. That and a jump rope is all you need . Plus she buys them damn Tyler Perry movies on bootleg; get that Insanity or something too; but by all means do something to show me you care about yourself."

  Men have a legitimate gripe (and yes so do women). There are plenty of men suffering from "Dickdo". That's an ailment that forces your stomach to stick out further than yo' *ick do. I'll be addressing the men soon - don't worry. This is certainly not about men though. Simply put its reality. I'm sick of women trying to make "fat" pretty and acceptable. It is not. It's not acceptable to treat your body any kind of way. It's not acceptable to eat  yourself into a congestive heart failure status. It is not acceptable to use the excuse of "eating healthy cost too much". It's not acceptable to say "this is how we eat as a community". 

   As much as people like to yell "YOLO" it is amazing to me that those idiots are forgetting it is "self awareness" that is the biggest determining factor in how long that actually is. We (ladies) have got to do better.

INBOX QUESTION AFTER ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN:

Q:  Since you have so much to say about being fat how much do you weigh now? Did you have surgery? How did you lose the weight? I'm just curious. Do you have any pics?

A: Thank you for your question. I'm glad you were able to read the article subjectively. I currently weigh 147lbs. I didn't have ANY type of surgery (gastric bypass, lipo or tummy tuck) or use ANY food program (Jenny Craing, Weight Watchers, etc) . I lost the weight by hitting the gym 5-6 days a week. I also became a certified fitness instructor which helps me to stay active. The chic in the black bikini - that's me May 2012!! YOLO!!!!!!! 

the truth about . . . Men, Access & Azz

  Today's technology gives men, all kinds of men, access to women like they've never, ever had. Have you ever stopped to think about that? I mean really ponder what a man has access to. The married woman. The stripper The rat. The porn star. The weird classmate from the 10th grade. The ex-girlfriend that is now married. The girl he thought was cute but never said anything to. The recent divorcee. The girl he liked but she ignored him. 

   Now lets remove the creepy factor and think about what this instant access is creating for someone like the "average Joe" . He's educated or has a skilled trade which brings him a decent wage. He has pics of himself as a child on his profile page (awwwww). He usually has a funny or sometimes introspective status update. He never has pics with women that would jeopardize his image of appearing "available". This prohibits skepticism and the following inbox message "She's cute. Is that your girlfriend?". His relationship status is not visible and is never updated. He appears (via screen) to be a really nice guy. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS? Ass-quakes. Ass-trays. Ass-states. Ass-shakes. It's a plethora of a**and all he has to do is log in. When he's bored. During halftime. Waiting to be interviewed. When his date goes to the restroom. Waiting on the movie to begin. At work. When he can't sleep. 

   Odds are there is a woman available to converse via inbox at any one of those times. It's simple math and time zone calculation (the net is worldwide baby). And those conversations are a plan. No matter how long it takes. It's a systematic pecking order and a steady drip eventually creates a hole. Even if he never beds you, the fact that you converse with him boost his ego. When you fall out of place he can go days without communicating with you because there is always someone else. And when you reconnect its just like time never passed you by. Know why? Because the previous conversations are right there for you to peruse and they rekindle (over and over again) that euphoric bliss without him even saying anything additional. By this time you gon'. Not gone. GON'.

    Once these conversations manifest into meeting for coffee or "just hanging out" half the work is done. You like him. This actually cuts down on the time it takes to get you in bed. Instantly this dude is gettin' it in with women he would have never had a shot with. Sounds like paradise for a man - its not. It's actually the most dangerous combination known to man. Access + Opportunity + Yearning + Willing participants = Internal powder keg.

    Just because you can get the a** doesn't mean you should. Men do you know what you're setting yourself up for? Let me be clear. I like men. I've loved a few you; one of you unconditionally. I love how men handle their business. I love the way they are with their children. I love how you can make me feel like the only girl in the world. I love how you brighten my day with the smooth sound of your voice over the phone. I love how we can talk about world events and nothing; all at the same time. Contrary to popular belief they do exist! (good men).

   So in good conscious I cant sit back and allow your insatiable appetite to destroy your soul. I get it. Sex to you is so good it's not even describable (read the "4F's - Feed him, *uck Him, be Faithful & stFu sometimes"). But you have to know and understand that for every woman you run through you are losing a piece of yourself, destroying a piece of her and relinquishing any hope of ever loving a woman unconditionally. You can front for others in the club. In the office. At the game; but don't front on yourself. Stop believing "these hoes are all the same" and giving into the one part of yourself that can eradicate any hope of something sensible.

  Whenever you decide to allow yourself to love and be loved - what will you have left? You'll end up a shell of a person. All because of some AZZ. Your larger than life ego has convinced you that you should satisfy every urge and fantasy because now you can. Here's your chance to shine. To be that dude you once envied.  To not have one dime but a few. All that glitters is not gold and every sugary thing is not sweet. At the end of the day you're a grown man. You'll do as you please. In the course of doing what you please be mindful of that empty feeling that creeps up on you every so often. Every so often is going to turn into every day. And that 30 minute session (I'm being generous) with the chic you don't even like will not be enough to fill that void that you willingly created.

the truth about . . . Today's Man.

     The first time I heard Diddy (Puff Daddy, Puffy, P Diddy, Sean Combs - yeah that dude) use the term I fell out from laughter. Coarse in language, yes, but that one word sums up the behavior that so many men exhibit these days. Now based on the urban dictionary "BAN" (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bitchassness) is a noun. It's essentially a term for a hater/man that overreacts to the smallest of things; he exhibits childish or immature behavior.  I'd like to expand the definition and make use of it as an adjective.  Let's use the list below to describe some of the "today's man" characteristics.

Skinny Jeans. 
     -No comment necessary.

Standing appointments for pedicures.

    -What happened to the basic trim or line up at the barbershop on  Saturday morning? Grooming is one thing. Wanting to be pampered? Yeah OK.

Lying to women and claiming you "got game". 

    -Men lying is nothing new and women get caught up because we like the way things sound and for some reason ignore the stupid stuff men actually do. That's our bad. But a man lying about who he is and what he has is by default the #1 trait in "*ithc*ssness. The reason you lie is because nothing about you "sounds" that great so you resort to making ish up. What kind of man doesn't or refuses to work and then hides behind lies?

Profile pics with your shirt off. 

     -It's one thing to wanna show off your hard work but I'm beginning to wonder who these dudes are really posing for? Women have never gone crazy over a centerfold layout. We go crazy over makeup (which is why it's a billion dollar industry).We aren't visual like that and if we were someone would have cashed in on it by now. Yeah, we'll comment but to actually become stimulated by it? That's a male trait. Which brings me back to the first question.Who are you posing for? 

  This list of offenses is endless and could continue for days but you get the point. Something has gone terribly awry. Some of these ****** is *itches too and some of these ****** look just like you. I keep hearing men claim "they don't make 'em like that any more". Meaning a man can't find a woman that will be faithful and loyal; she cooks and takes care of her home and children. She loves and respects her man. She's a lady in streets and a freak in the sheets. I have no problem with those requirements when a MAN is deserving. 

     How can you expect to attract a woman when so many of your characteristics fall outside the definition of a man? Call me a cave woman, antiquated, old fashion or close minded. What you won't and can't call me is wrong. If you can't see that the roles are being reversed (men acting like women and women acting like men) then you my friend are straddling the fence and don't know which side you are suppose to be on. (I'll be addressing the women soon.)

     Although my Dad didn't do everything right there was no mistaking him for any thing other than a man. EVERYTHING about him exuded manhood. His voice. His pride in how he looked and dressed. His ability to get up every day to go to a job he wasn't that crazy about. His love for his family. All those things describe one thing - MANHOOD. I didn't say perfection; I said "man". By definition it is becoming an endangered species.

the truth about . . . Being the nice girl AKA dumb broad

   

    We've been hearing "nice guys finish last" for decades. I often think of the guy that's so far gone over the girl that doesn't want him that he'll resort to desperate, embarrassing measures to win her affection (insert any teen movie starring Molly Ringwald here). Up until recently I believed that those acts were merely a display of his devotion and love; que the violin riiiiiigggghhhht here. (In my damsel in distress, gazing out at the river as if flows with the hope of eternal love; the moon light shimmy's as my sheer dress and hair blow in the light breeze voice) "This must be love; it has to be. I've never felt this way about anyone before (at least not since last month)." If this BS is Love I'm straight.

   For the sake of drama keep that same damsel in distress scenario above and read these words aloud ". . . I've never felt this way before. I know he's having a tough time but in this economy who isn't? Sure it's been over a year since he's worked but I knew that when I met him. I'll take care of him until he's on his feet." Or try this one. This time place the back of your hand on your forehead and repeat after me "I know he's always texting but he says it's only his friends and he doesn't want to be rude". Here's a good one (keep your hand in place and read like you're in "Gone with the Wind) "Yes, he only stops by when its convenient but he's tired - he works 12 hours a day".

   As a woman can't you see how ridiculous this ish sounds? Now go ahead and insert the dumb ass things you've done to get a bed buddy. No real man would make  a chic he can run the above game on on his woman. So in case you thought you were his girlfriend let me be clear. (In my Maury voice) You ma'me are not the girlfriend. You're the nice broad; too afraid of being alone so you've removed your spine and replaced it with "nice". You're rationale goes something like this. If  I don't nag him then he knows that I'm a keeper. If I continue to reward his behavior (good or bad) he'll realize how much I care about him. If I ignore my gut instincts and just go with it things will work out. You poor, simple, delusional chic. 

   Not nagging or checking him is a sign that you're afraid of what he'll do (like leave) * U C K HIM. You're not in a relationship any way. You're simply passing time and pacifying this dudes ego until the next chic comes along. Continuing to give a man your all (sex) when he does nothing to deserve it does the complete opposite of what you intend it to do. It doesn't tell him you care about him; it screams " I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME". How can a woman who puts a mans needs before her own (it's different when you are married) consider herself a keeper? What kind of mother would you make? Trust, he's thought it. GIRL BYE! 

   Stop using the fact that you are nice. Hell, most (authentic) women are nice. We are the givers of life. It's in our DNA to be compassionate. It's how we are built. Stop using the "I'm just a nice person" to free your guilty conscious from the fact that you're being stupid in the name of fake ass love. Stop thinking you can't do better. YOU CAN. Oprah Winfrey has one of the biggest hearts known to man kind. Her heart is her brand. Besides Ghandi, Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King, Jr. can you think of any one else that has done more to change the lives of others? Do you think Oprah would allow any person (not just a man) to jeopardize what she has built? Not the empire - her self worth!! Do you think she would cater to a mofo that could give a damn about how she feels? What she thinks? What makes her happy? If he was indeed the culprit that created the tear stains on her pillow do you think she'd be jockeying for position? Sure she's a billionaire now but look at what she came from. She is no more deserving than you but she is different. Different in the fact that she would not allow anyone to dictate how she moves through this life.

   MANNNNN LOOK. There is no greater feeling in the world than telling a dude who's only intention is to bend you like Beckham to 

* U C K OFF. And don't make empty threats. Say it. Mean it. Delete his number. Don't take his calls and keep it moving. You can say a lot about those who've made their money off of drama filled, scripted reality shows. They can be called groupies, hoes, home wreckers, gold diggers, opportunists, etc. One thing you cant call them is "worthless" though. Even if their worth is tied to superficiality they bout that life and they get it in at all cost. They have created the life they wanted (whether we agree with it or not) and they make no apologies for it. At least it's their life. One they crafted. Not one that was left up to some random dude to decide.

  The lesson for the day little girls? Stop being "nice". The dude isn't the problem; he's simply the manifestation.  How you see yourself and what you deserve is the real problem. Here's a thought. How about being nice to you?

  

the truth about . . . the 90 Day Rule

   

     The 90 (pause)  Day (pause)  Rule (pause). Any one who has heard this phrase knows it's the time period in which a woman decides if she will sleep with a man. Most recently the phrase has been made popular by comedian and author Steve Harvey. The "90 Day Rule" is suppose to provide women with a  man's true intentions once the "honeymoon" phase is over (which by current standards is about 30 days).

   At first I had mixed reviews about the timeline. There is no guarantee that while a man is in the probationary period he isn't sleeping with someone else; or that he isn't simply waiting the 90 days and will then move on. After being on information overload about what to do, what not to do, when to do it, blah, blah, blah; I decided to go back and re-read Mr. Harvey's book. WHO FREAK-IN  KNEW! Get this ladies. The 90 Day Rule has very little to do with sex . While sex is the cherry on top of a long awaited sundae; it SHOULD NOT be the goal. I've heard a ton of women say "I waited the 90 days and it still didn't work out between us". That's because women are making the 90 days about him (sex) instead of making it about them. 

   Now me I'm old school (and my friends clown me for this to no end) but if  I have sex with a man - NEWSFLASH - we go together (who even uses that terminology any more?) Juvenile it may seem but its worked for me. We are indeed in a committed relationship once sex comes into play. And for the record getting to the point of intimacy with me will take some time. Please don't think you'll pass me the note that reads "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes, no or maybe. Then once "yes" is checked we'll be doing the nasty. Sex equals commitment, PERIOD. Now I know that seems a bit far fetched considering sex is as easy to get as unwanted friend request but that's how I roll. And I take great pride in telling any suitor this fairly early in the courting stages.

 
 Here's where the "90 Day Rule" can confuse some of us. We think that making him wait 90 days some hows forces him to see how great we are. Once he recognizes that we really do like him and that we'd make a great girlfriend its smooth sailing once the 90 days is up. W R O N G. If the only thing you accomplish in 90 days is making him wait then you ma'am have failed. Now hear this - the "90 Day Rule" is for YOU to decide if this man is truly worth your all based on HIS ACTIONS - NOT THE 90 DAYS. Did he care enough to bring you soup when you had a cold. Did he ever inquire about how your day was? Was he at the funeral of a loved one that passed? Was he cool with being around your friends and/or family? Can he offer you any thing besides hard *ick and bubblegum? If not, then keep it moving. Stop wasting your time thinking because he waited 90 days that he's into you.

  There are approximately 24 weekends within a 90 day period. If both of you have full time jobs, extracurricular activities, children, a gym routine and make time for family and friends, how much time are you really left with? Let's say you squeeze in an extra day a week. That only adds 12 days to the 24. Now we're at 36 whole days for you to make a decision about if you'll give yourself to this man. Damn shame.

   Ladies, I know we want him to put a ring on it; but he never will if we don't place a value on it. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE Mr. Harvey and all that he stands for. He reminds me of my Dad (suits and all). He loves his daughters, which inspired him to write the book. That love has trickled down and helped millions of women. But he can't do it all by himself. We have to stand in our truth and own it. Don't be afraid of the standards you put in place for any man. Hell, if you're like me and single, having standards can't make you any more single. It simply weeds out the "1 and Dones". 

  I know. It looks like the H.O.E.S. are winning (see the truth about . . . H.O.E.S). They have the ass implants, the ballers (legal as well as illegal), they have the red bottoms, the most likes on FB and their immoral behavior is rewarded. Some of them even end up with half way decent dudes. But there's a cost to giving yourself to the highest bidder. One that cant be recouped. 

   Will you get lonely? YUP. Par for the course. Take it from me, you can't be busy enough to forget you're single; but you can be productive. If you cant be productive then chill. Saaat down some where and just enjoy your peace. Will you get horny? YUP. Invest in a rabbit. Does wonders. Oh and get the the industrial strength AA's.

   Three things you must do. 1.) Stop entertaining worthless men. If he doesn't have your best interest at heart stop dealing with him. In short * U C K HIM (and not literally). 2.) Be able to recognize a good man when he comes along (and the only way you can do that is by applying #1). 3.) Whatever your timeline is, make it about you, not him. You should be the most important factor in your equation and decision.

the truth about . . . HEAD. Stereotypes and all

   It’s not that this article will give me a slot in the “advancement of my people” or “credit to my race” category it’s simply to set the record straight. I’m over 

the comparisons of Black women to other races of women. Black women don’t do this; Black women don’t do that. Black women are too damn difficult; Black women have attitudes. The unbalanced weight of today's reality shows don't help us much either. So when I heard this topic being discussed among some men; I listened, took some notes and decided I should weigh in.

   For the record Black women don’t have a problem with oral sex. Think about it. A sistah will go hard in the paint for the man she loves. Honestly, some men just don’t move us like that. So I’m going to tackle this taboo topic. The fact that I’m writing this article speaks to how far women have come in owning our sexuality. I’m not talking about the false ownership that is presented by females who rap lyrics written by men or porn stars that perform from the male P.O.V. I’m not speaking of the H.O.E.S. who treat oral sex like a recreational jaw exercise or an alternative to Botox. I’m speaking of the well adjusted woman who understands the ego boost and the selflessness that comes with performing this act (for her man /husband). Please believe me when I tell you, if your woman doesn’t do it (and she’s a sistah) then it’s you partna. You are not where you should be and you’re insecure. We know it and you know we know it yet you still front. So in an effort to boost your self esteem we MIGHT hook you up but it wont be often; and it will be haphazard.

  I remember like it was yesterday. “Nikki, come in here. I wanna talk to you about something. A co-worker and I were talking today and she told me that she encourages her daughter to perform oral sex as a way to preserve her virginity. We don’t believe that and you don’t have to do it –ever!” So there’s the reason why we didn’t do it like "Becky". We weren't raised that way (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oral_sex). And yes my Mothers co-worker was of a different race (to each his own – no judgment here).

  Now fast forward to current day. Plain and simple when we do it – we like you. More than likely we love you. When we break you off it means something. Follow me. We had to consider it. The consideration came into to play because you asked for it or you pulled the old “push her head down” routine. We pondered the idea; decided you were worth it, held our breath, dived in and in that very moment we were unselfish. Fellas let’s be very clear. WE GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OUT OF THIS. And please don’t let there be a need for “Ball Fresh” (see Jill Scott live in concert).

  Now, for you dudes with the larger than life ego who thinks the “WG’s do it all for me” – let that go. It’s her preference. It has nothing to do with “you”. They do it because it keeps the cookie sacred. See the pattern here?

  Lesson for the day – an insecure man is the equivalent of a woman with low self esteem; annoying and displeasing. So stop blaming us and do a mirror check.

the truth about . . . EMOTION VS. LOGIC

So, in the spirit of Halloween my son and I sit down every year after Trick or Treating to watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". I've been watching this cartoon since I can remember but yesterday was the first time I had watched with new eyes. Eyes that can no longer be oblivious to the dumb ass stuff women do and then blame men for.

So there Linus was, all excited about the "Great Pumpkin" coming to the pumpkin patch on Halloween. He began his sit-in around dusk; just as the rest of the gang was getting ready to go Trick or Treating. Lucy, Charlie, Lionel, Pig Pen, Sally and the rest of the gang walk by the patch and see Linus there patiently waiting. Everyone including Sally knew Linus was either high or delusional (which is one in the same) because unlike Santa Claus no one had ever heard of the "Great Pumpkin". Linus said it was because Santa had a better publicity team. Really Linus? That's what you're going with. OK.

As the gang walks off (proclaiming Linus is a blockhead) and continues on with Halloween, Sally (ooh Sally) glances back, her heart starts to do the "pitter patter" dance, her eyes lock on Linus, she turns and runs back to the pumpkin patch. Sally is so excited to be with Linus (even though he didn't ask her to) that she sits out an evening filled with FREE candy, gifts, laughs and an all around good time just to do so. Sound familiar?

As the evening continues Sally realizes she believed the hype. Not his hype but her own; yet she still takes her frustrations out on Linus when its herself she should be upset with. Sally thought by giving up her time Trick or Treating Linus would see how wonderful a person she was and then scream from the rooftop - "YOU'RE THE ONE FOR ME! I LOVE YOU LUCY! MARRY ME. She was wrong.

"I WAS ROBBED! I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT WAITING FOR THE GREAT PUMPKIN WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN OUT FOR TRICKS OR TREATS. HALLOWEEN IS OVER AND I MISSED IT. YOU BLOCKHEAD!! YOU KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR THE GREAT PUMPKIN . . .  AND   IT   WAS   ALL   YOUR   FAULT? Sally,  Linus didn't ask you to bring yo' ass to the pumpkin patch. He thanked you for coming but he didn't ask you to.

Sally, like a lot of women, made a decision based on her emotional NEEDS and not logic. Have you ever heard of the damn "Great Pumpkin"? Hell naw! But instead of using common sense Sally opted to make a bad decision and then blame the dude. Be woman enough to admit to a man that you like him. You are the only one that has to deal with the fall out if it's for the wrong reasons. Had Sally admitted to Linus that she liked him instead of dropping hints (playing games in other words) she could have had her candy for the night and a possible boo (and not the scary kind). Linus was a boy (man) he would have never figured it out the hints any way. 

Ladies, take notes from the pages of stupid Sally. Stop making emotional decisions that trump logic. If a 30 year old cartoon can highlight this behavior, as a grown woman, you should be able to do the same.