Friday, November 30, 2012

Damn. I Got Played


     It's just as the headline reads - I got played. Now let me explain what that means. I'm dating. The purpose of me dating is to find my significant other (I'm a bit too mature to refer to someone as a "boyfriend"). Once my significant other and I have found each other the goal for us will be to become engaged. After that, marriage. It's that simple. Date. Commit. Engage. Marry. Of course, there is a ton of bull*hit that will come with getting through those simple yet complex steps but I'm willing to do the work so I'm expecting a great return. 

    I'm not sure if most women employ this tactic but I'm very upfront about what I want and expect. It's never with a disrespectful, finger waving, neck rolling tone either. I simply communicate what I'm looking for and what I want for my life. I'm also all about making sure I am doing right by the person I'm in a relationship with. If it doesn't work, then hey, that's OK as well. More often times than not I do meet really good guys and we simply don't work. There is either no chemistry or he just isn't that into me or vice versa. That's it.

    With me being an upfront type of gal I usually do a great job of weeding out the "one and done" type of guy. The "OAD" guy is the one you have 1 date with and they decide you're not worth the effort (for whatever the reason). Now, what I wasn't prepared for was the guy that decides "Yeah, I hear you but imma still try to *uck. I hear what you're saying about your vision for a marriage and a husband. You've laid out your expectations. We might be able to have something but I'm not sure if I really want that with you. One thing I do know  is that I would *uck you if given the opportunity. That relationship thing, eeh. 

    This is the dude who got by my years of experience. IKR. Shame on me. So here's the deal. I've been "dating" (getting to know each other without engaging in casual, non-committal sex) someone for about a month. I liked him because he made me laugh and I felt comfortable around him almost immediately. Unlike some men (even those that are educated) he didn't use curse words (at least around me), which was so refreshing. There are just some things that I don't do in the presence of a man and I expect the same. Things like cursing, yelling, burping, farting or not excusing myself from a room full of men when I'm the only woman, are just not feminine characteristics. And no matter how comfortable I am with my man I would never do those things around him. So when he displayed some of this same behavior I was like "awwwl right nah". 

   Out the gate we were able to talk about community, politics, pop culture, parenting and a host of other topics. I asked the questions I wanted to know the answers to and his answers  worked for me. Now, lets fast forward to the what I call the "regrouping" stage. I like to ask the guy I'm dating similar questions to the ones I asked when we initially met. It's not a game but once a person gets to know you their answers and perspectives change. My uncle has always told me "they all come out of the gate good but how he runs the race for you is the deciding factor on how he feels about you."

Me: "So, why haven't you had a girlfriend?" 

Him: "I don't want one."

Me: (Scooby Doo) urrgghh? Then what are you doing on a dating website with a defined status of "Looking For: Serious relationship"? (I was really thinking then WTH are we doing?)

Him: "I mean if I find her then cool.  . . . I just go with it".

Me: "Have you ever purchased a plane ticket without knowing the flight's destination? Ending up in Bangladesh is quite different than ending up in Turks & Caicos?"

Him: Naw but I mean I feel like it's more difficult to find a person to date than it is to keep a serious relationship or marriage together. So I just go with whatever.

   This conversation with this new person continued for about 30 minutes. I don't even remember what the hell we discussed in the last 30 minutes. I was still back on the "I don't want one" answer. This is when I discovered I had played myself. I made the assumption that because I had made my intentions known early on that we were both moving in the same direction. A relationship. Clearly what I know I want ( a significant other/husband) is different from his very casual approach to eventually finding "miss right" or "miss right now". My girl told me that I go to hard in the paint on dudes. She said that I don't allow enough time for things to develop and that I'm too quick to keep it moving.

   I believed that for about 3 days then I resorted to what works for me - I kept it moving. In the process of keeping it moving I'm not going to do any male bashing or call up the "Bitter Heifer Association" for a night out with the girls. I'm simply going to examine my behavior and adjust it (if necessary). I'll do this while trying to refrain from singing Jasmine Sullivan's "I Bust the Windows Out Your Car". JUST KIDDING!!! I know, I know. It's only been about 30 days worth of dating. Better than 3 years right? But disappointment is disappointment just like pain is pain. There is no threshold based on the source.  I kinda feel like that helium balloon that you watch slowly deflate over the course of a few weeks. Needless to say but dating today is hard work and can take a toll on anyone (man or woman). Quite honestly being back to square 1 sucks.

   I wanted to share this experience because as humans we do a great job at giving out advise and appear to have all the answers without divulging any of the heartache. I came across a quote that read "Never compare your everyday life to someone else's highlight reel". That is indeed what social media is. Articles, status updates, tweets, perfect pics - it's all the good stuff. The stuff we don't mind showing the world. Me - I'm 'bout real life. The good, the bad, the ugly. I'm at a point where I don't mind sharing who I really am and in the process I hope to make my mess a message.

   At the end of the day we ARE ALL CRAY! It's simply about finding the one that can love your cray and so in that spirit of wanting to be loved we continue on. Since there is always one asshole that emails me or comments and takes the article totally out of context let me be perfectly clear. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't write to bash men. I don't write to bash women. I write with the objective of informing and expressing what I have learned and experienced. At the end of the day we all (that's right) ALL of us want to be loved by someone other than our Momma. If sharing my mess ups gets one person through a tough day or encourages someone to move forward with doing what is right instead of trying to be right - then mission accomplished. 

   In short, we have got to do better by each other. Any one that can look at the state of today's relationships and accept them as they are has a problem. If you can't see how *ucked up things really are out here then you sir/ma`me are apart of the problem. We don't love or care about each other any more and that makes me sad. I have no shame in being human.

   Keep ya heads up ladies and gents. In the words of Sam Cooke, "its been a long time coming . . . but change gon' come." Now I know Sam was making a political statement about racism and division but look at the way we treat "Love". It's hated. It's misunderstood. It's taken for granted. It's exploited. It's accepted behind closed doors where the world can't see it. If "Love" is not the new minority then tell me what else is.

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