Friday, October 26, 2012

the truth about . . . gettin' slapped up. I'm not saying its right but I understand

When the video of "Uppercut Bus Driver Joe" went viral I wasn't in a hurry to see it. I figured it would be another grainy video of  (SOME)  Black people acting a fool. That was still the case but what surprised me (and that's not easy) was the person who turned out to be the catalyst. I thought I was going to be privy to an assault on an innocent woman (and I use the term "woman" loosely). Adopting the attitude of the peanut  gallery I thought for sure I could call this one.But mannnnnn when I watched the video I thought to myself "Oh, she does this often. This is who she is. This is what she comes from and this is what she knows". I mean this chic was screaming on this grown ass man so tough I began to understand the upper-cut before I even saw it.

Then it happened. AWW-YUUKEN!!! I laughed so hard for so long I felt like I had been transported to Richard Pryor live in concert. There is a saying that a man should never hit a woman. Well, that was during a time when a woman was easily recognizable. With the exception of a woman being intoxicated I cant remember a time when women in droves would blatantly and continuously emasculate men. AND THIS WAS PUBLICLY. So was Joe wrong? Nope (not in my opinion).

Fact: She put her hands on him. The End. You cannot berate a man and expect him not to react like a man. It's just like women who marry football players. He knocks other men the *uck out for a living yet you expect him to all of a sudden turn off that learned behaviour. A behaviour he is payed millions for. OK.

But lets talk about the "average Joe". Why are females so quick to get into Joe's face? I think I know why. Attention. Let's take Jody and Yvette (Baby Boy). Jody was terrible. We know this and Yvette knew it too. She couldn't force him to be faithful but she could (with that mouth) force him to respond. Even if it was with an open handed slap in the mouth. 

Women push dudes like that because 1.) We know you will react; even if you just shake the hell out of us. 2.) You'll eventually apologize and 3.) We hope that some where within that apology you magically say "damn she do love me; I was wrong. Imma get my *hit together. That, of course, never happens which is why the cycle continues. Sick and twisted but true. No matter the age, background, education or class. This is true across the board.

A woman cannot over power a man. Not even Laila Ali. To be on the safe side just stFu (read "the truth about . . . the 4F's). And if you cant for some reason find it within yourself to just shut your trap then woman up and get ready for da business. Besides your futile attempts to get his attention are wasting my damn tax dollars. 911 ain't free. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

the truth about . . . H.O.E.S.

 Of course the headline is about shock value. Worked didn't it? For some time now I've been in denial about how women have created and fostered the state of relationships as we currently know them. Whether your in a "FWB" relationship or your profile page declares your relationship is complicated the truth is that most women have grown quite content with embracing and acting like the common hoe (which is quite different from a whore).

 Hollow. Overconfident. Expecting. Self Absorbed.

Hollow - without real or significant worth. I'm absolutely amazed at the number of females that don't realize how hollow they actually are. Your entire conversation is about who the last person you slept with. What inch hair you purchased from the beauty supply store and the sexy costume you're purchasing for Halloween. If you're more sophisticated its the same thought process. You just call it giving him his space and you discuss what Loubitons you bought and what upcoming vacation plans you have. If you want to know how significant you are ask this one question. How many people (excluding family) would miss the positive impact you have on their life if you died right now? Crickets. Substance can't be bought so I suggest you first find out what it is and then work on having some.

Overconfident - having too much confidence. I have never been witness to more people having nothing to offer besides "ass" and they believe its enough! NEWSFLASH: Its everywhere and guess what? Most are giving it up FOR NOTHING!!!! ***** caint be yo' only hustle!! (shout out to Kan-yeezy). Confidence cant be purchased. It develops over time. And contrary to the balance on your last credit card statement you are not winning. Him calling you Kim and your name is Kennedy is a direct result of him having met you before; even if he hasn't. You look just like the next overconfident broad on the scene and to him you are no different. Obnoxious, typical and tacky is what he sees and you're not worthy of distinction. Stop doing the most and figure out who you really are.

Expecting - to look forward with reason. If a man ask you on a date he owes you nothing except what he can afford. Dinner. Coffee. A walk through the park. One of those scenarios or something similar. That's it. Expecting that someone rolls out the carpet on the first or second date is just as ludicrous as the dude who thinks he can hit because you dined at a five star. Stop believing that you are just that awesome. You are not. Here's an idea. How about you expect to laugh, be respected and walked to your door at the end of the evening (without him expecting to come in). Yeah, lets start with expecting respect and not deviating from that.

Self Absorbed - preoccupied with ones thoughts or interests. Thoughts or interest? Bawawawawawaw. Girl Bye! You would actually have to have a thought or interest that goes beyond having a conversation about Stevie J. Unfortunately being self absorbed is not uncommon and I see it in girls as young as 11. Having the capacity to think beyonds one self is the best thing anyone could do. Oops. There goes that word again - think. For the love of humanity please wake up and understand that you are not that important. Unless you've found a cure for cancer or opened an all girls school in South Africa on your own dime please just turn, walk away and begin to ponder what you can offer the world besides nothing.

One emotion sums up the reason I wrote this. Brokenhearted. As a woman if you can't look out and see the damaged we've caused and the reckless behaviour we continue to indulge then SCREAM WE HAVE TO FIX THIS -  then my worst fear has come true. We have become the soul-less gender.

Friday, October 19, 2012

the truth about . . . being on the "scene" after 30

"See Mike at thirty-two was still on the "SCENE". Had a son fifteen that he never saw twice. Sure he saw him as an infant, but he DISOWNED him like "If that was my son, he would look much different" - Sean Carter

Being on the scene at the age of 32 for Mike didn't end so well. If you're familiar with J's song "Meet the Parents" you know exactly how it ended. Even though Mike's demise was a bit more drastic than the average and his "scene" was the streets. The point is he was still on the "scene"at an age where most people find themselves having matured passed "hanging out" . No matter your "scene" of preference - to be on the "scene" after 30 is, well, just sad.

I'm sure you've been to a club or bar in the last 10 years. I'm also certain that during your time in "da club" you have been privy to the voyeuristic, sexually charged, insatiable actions of both the men and women. Men stand around and watch women give each other lap dances, simulate oral sex and parade themselves as the desperate one night stands that they are. Women in turn leave with the highest bidder. Do I hear 3 drinks?! 4 drinks?! Bottle service and drinks for me and my girls?! Sold!!!!!!

I expect this behavior from children in adults bodies (19-29) but after the age of 30 it's becomes apparent that you were not required or had any intentions of ever making better decisions while you were in your 20's.  Let me also address the social climbers. Just because your "scene" is the black tie affair at $250 a ticket doesn't mean you're any different. No matter how you dress it up - it is what it is. It's not a terribly difficult decision to find a partner and begin a new life together; or simply get to the point where that behavior is past tense.

The one constant about the "scene" is that is never changes. Same broads, same dudes, same music, same drinks. How could that be? Because there is never a shortage of those who like to "front" or pretend as if  life lived this way is the best thing since the Internet NEWSFLASH. They don't believe it - which is why they are on the scene. Hoping and wishing that they'll meet that someone who will change their Saturday night habit or at least sponsor a bill or two.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the truth about . . . Bindergate

(In my rapping yet singing voice) I've got *oes in different area codes. I wasn't sure if I was listening to Luda featuring Nate Dogg or a presidential candidate lay out his plan on combating wage discrimination. Once Mitt Romney declared "we have binders full of women" I thought "wow having binders full of women will definitely ensure that I am paid a fair and equal wage in comparison to my male counterpart". The problem with Mitt Romney and men like him and is that he lives in the "bubble". Stating employers will have to hire women in his new economy is like saying employers have to hire Black people - there's just so many of them. 

"We’re going to have to have employers in the new economy, in the economy I’m going to bring to play, that are going to be so anxious to get good workers they’re going to be anxious to hire women."

For argument sake lets just say in this "new economy" employers are eager to hire women. What about the current employers that don't  pay women what they pay men. Mitt Romney for some reason believes that decades of inequality are some how going to disappear because he is the president. Talk about ignorance coupled with arrogance.

Bindergate is the lie we can prevent Mitt from continuing to tell. "Equal work for equal pay" is just about as important to him as head start, birth control and Big Bird - which all happen to effect women. Just because Mitt has one (a mother and a wife) doesn't mean he cares about all of our issues and no man does. My issue with him is that he doesn't care enough to change the policies.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

the truth about . . . the 4 F's - Feed him, *@& him, be faithful to him and stFu sometimes

Yesterday I wrote about the two reasons men cheat and before you go assuming the post is all about male bashing, it is not. I suggest reading it - you'll be pleasantly surprised. Within that post I listed "The 4 F's" ladies must embrace in order to accommodate their man's needs and make him ratchet proof once he enters the jungle also known as the world.

The first "F" - feed him. Ladies feeding your man means more than a dinner plate (although that is a must so get your arse in the kitchen, turn on the stove and get it in). Feeding your man means understanding what makes HIM happy, not what YOU think makes him happy. A romantic dinner may do it for you but he could give a damn about that. Find out what he likes - ASK HIM. Feeding his ability to be accountable is also key; no man wants a push-over they want a partner. Feeding his ego will also be essential. He has to feel appreciated. Be sure to thank him (again thank him based on his standards not yours).

The second "F" - **** him. I don't know how a woman allows her man in this day and age to walk around without being sexually satisfied. Did you know there are hundreds of apps for pornography? And they're free (wont detect that on the credit card bill). Did you know a text message from an ex saying "Hey, I was just thinking about you" or a smile from the woman in front of him at the coffee house is enough to turn your world as you know it upside down??? All because you wont do your freakin' job? A M A Z I N G!! Let me make it plain - SEX IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR MAN. Why it seems to be so important? I don't know and don't care (I'm not a man) but what I do know and understand is they need it like Pookie in New Jack need that hit. In the morning, in the afternoon, at night, in the car, in the kitchen, because he loves you, during half time (don't be stupid and interrupt the game) or just because he wants to hit right quick. And please know oral is included in E V E R Y scenario above. For most men sex without oral is to us what walking through Niemans to get to Macy's would be. Who does that? If you need help - get a book (there are plenty), take a lesson, ask your girls but by all means, for the love of your relationship - get it done (and not haphazardly) with some enthusiasm. He wants to know you care and nothing says that like effort and enthusiasm!

The third "F" - be faithful to him. One thing that tares a man down quicker than anything is finding out that his woman has given herself emotionally and most importantly (sexually) to another man. It makes him feel inadequate, like a punk, like he cant compete and ultimately like he wasn't worthy of you loving him. A woman that is faithful to her man can lead him to do great things like become the POTUS. Had Michelle ever cheated the Republicans would have found out by now and paid quadruple what the democratic party would have paid the woman to tell her story. Every man wants that. I don't care what his past in, what his boys said or hell what he's said - every man wants to be loved, respected and committed to by someone other than his momma. For women this means no texting, no lunch dates, no FB inbox conversations, no communicating through your girls and no weekend trips without him. Seems controlling but how would you feel if he were doing any of the previously mentioned. Ladies we gotta stop acting like the reason we get bent over by some dude who doesn't love us some how trumps the ratchet broad that approached our man. Some how because we do what we do out of emotion it seems to be justifiable. Your still bent over - no matter the reason.

The fourth "F" - stFu sometimes. I had the pleasure of being witness to the following:  A man walks into a restaurant, greets his significant other by kissing her, takes a seat and that was the extent of his entire involvement during the evening. I mean this chic would not shut up. Everything was about her - her job, her boss, her broken heel, her meetings, her lunch. WTF??? This man spoke twice. "Hello" and "can I get a refill". And that was directed at the server. I'll say it like this - Men are headlines. Women are fine print. They don't need or WANT details. Now one thing for sure is that we can't turn off how "we" as women are but we can filter. Make sure you ask how he is and ask with the intent of listening and engaging him. Nothing screams selfishness faster than a woman who cant listen and dialogue. The Beginners Guide to Learning How to STFU: 1.) Very little talking during the game unless its about the game, 2.) Don't attack him as soon as he walks through the door (at least not with words), 3.) Ask a question? Expect an answer not a story and 4.) Less is more and that includes hearing your mouth (all the time).

The "4 F's" go hand in hand. Can't have one without the other. Again, there is no guarantee he won't cheat because the actions of another can't be controlled; but you can limit the time he will spend entertaining a broads advances if the above is implemented!

Monday, October 15, 2012

the truth about . . . cheating - there's only 2 reasons he does it.


Next to "why did Adam eat the apple?" I swear this is the oldest question in the world. “Why did he cheat?” Like to hear it; here we go.

One. There must be a woman willing to cheat with him (that's easy). Two. He must give in to temptation. That's it. It has nothing to do with him not loving his girlfriend/spouse. It has nothing to do with him not being "a real man". It has nothing to do with having "mommy" issues as a young boy or being intimidated by "his woman". It simply boils down to opportunity and a willing participant.

Finding a woman that will sleep with a man in a committed relationship is as easy as finding a whore in a whore house. Again, that's easy. Now hoping he has the self control and discipline not to cheat - well that's where things get a little sticky. We've all heard the stats about how many times a day a man thinks about sex. Well these days he doesn't have to "think" at all. Its right there - ALL DAY - 24/7 - 365. Apps, profile pics, free porn sites, viral videos, forwarded pics from his boys. You name it; he's seen it - 3, 4, 500 times over. It doesn't take a lot to stimulate a man sexually. That's how they're wired. Now multiply that urge by a barrage of non-stop stimulating access. GIRL BYE!! 

Now let me be clear - WOMEN REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF SEX AND WHAT "NEW" SEX MEANS TO MEN. This is why we (women) always internalize the cheating whether we admit it or not. OK, ladies, we don't get the "sex" thing but for the love of your relationship please stop discounting how important it is to YOUR MAN. Try this. Take whatever your thing is (mine happens to be handbags). What if I could get the LV "Never Full Bag" in every color and size, any time I wanted it; and at a discounted rate? (just an example – Louis doesn’t discount). That description alone is orgasmic. Apply your "thing" and multiply it by 1 trillion. That is how much your man (and any other man) loves, needs and wants sex. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a mate that understands and accepts the responsibility of accountability. Seeking out traits in a man that identify his strengths in the face of adversity wouldn't be a bad start. No man is exempt from temptation but a man who can see it coming from a mile away and remove himself as the objective is on the right track. Recognizing it’s the over-lay for the under-play – PRICELESS!

Once you have him the best thing you can do is equip him so that he is prepared when he goes into the jungle. To prepare him you must embrace the 4 F's - Feed him, F*#@ him, be Faithful to him and shut the *#@ up sometimes. This still doesn't guarantee that he won’t cheat but it will make him think twice before he gives up what he has with you for some random broad that was able to stroke his ego during a weak moment.

 In the words of J "thank God for granting me this moment of clarity; this moment of honesty" - women have changed the dynamics of relationships for the worse. Between our "owwn need no man" independence rant and engaging in sex outside of any sort of commitment, we have damaged the game beyond repair. The advice above is for sisters who love and respect their men and need a heads up about these broads "who bout that life". Send your man out to do battle prepared. Don't let these broads catch him and you slippin'. Step your heel game and flexibility up; both at the same time (wink).

Thursday, October 11, 2012

the truth about . . . GAME and why we are still getting played

Well ladies here we are.  Tons of best sellers. Advice from the horses mouth. Great rom-coms plus years our of own experience. All great tools to help us navigate through the world of being single yet here we are still getting played. Mostly by ourselves this time around. The best way to swallow this pill is to just be honest (at least with yourself if no one else). Yup, put your big girl drawls on.

Trying to understand "game" and the reasons men do what they do is just too damn exhausting for me. At first I was on board. Soaking up advice like a kid eavesdropping on an X rated adult conversation. Then it dawned on me. The game hasn't changed it just became more brutal. Take the game of football. Over the years it has become the most brutal team sport on the face of the earth. The number of players suffering from injuries before and after seasons is at an all time high.

Sure some rules have been added and others tweaked to protect the players but the game is the game. A touchdown is still a touchdown. A field goal is still a field goal. Offsides is still offsides. The league recognized the need for more rules but they didn't alter the "game" one bit. Essentially as a player of the game one needs to recognize the rules and implement when necessary to protect himself. The same theory applies to relationships.

Playing two "rule" cards as it relates to dating/relationships will alleviate every man with ulterior motives. Self-respect and morals. The End. One thing about women that has been proven time and time again we are emotional. We make decisions based on emotion, and yes, sometimes fear. We forgive based on emotion and we "allow" based on emotion. Men know this and they use it but the funny part is they aren't even good at it. "I don't know why she is calling. I told her it was over and I'm with you. Oh, those? I don't know how her flip flops ended up in my closet."

The purpose of a lie is to conceal the truth - period. Once you discover he is lying to you (outside of asking does this make me look fat) it should be a deal breaker. Once the lie is accepted - it turns into "lies". Fast forward 8 months later and you now act as if him being a liar is some huge discovery. He's been a liar since the first lie - you played yourself. Had you played your self-respect card you wouldn't have wasted 8 months of your life that you can never get back and you would have avoided adding another notch to your bedroom belt.

The morals card is a no-brainer to play. Doing what's right instead of trying to be right goes a long way and morals go hand in hand with that thinking. Sure he's a liar and a cheat. His marriage is in shambles and his wife knows about you. But if you are willing to help a man capitalize on his short comings that makes you a small word with big meaning.

Ladies, stop trying to play the game before understanding the rules. And if the rule book is too complicated get rid of it and apply what is fool proof. Self-respect and morals. We aren't built for the "game".

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

the truth about . . . the EX factor

In addition to writing I often work on projects for clients that require me to outsource some aspects of the project to complete it. I have a roster of dependable professionals that give me access to skill sets I just don't have. I'm on a new project and wouldn't you know it - skill set needed.

So I reached out to a source that happens to be an ex and he is married. Now before you go putting your Stevie J & Rosalyn spin on this - that it is not. I respect him and his marriage but I won't get on a soap box with the "my sister is me" approach and go on a tangent talking about sisterhood and sticking together. The facts are simply this: 1.) I have enough to account for on judgement day without adulteress being added to my roster of sins, 2.) I want the man that God has for me to find me whole and happy not broken and bitter.

I will admit it though - he looked great. There is something about seeing grown men in their professional environment that is ubber attractive. I was like daaaayyyyyuumm (but only to myself). Looking at him with 30 something year old eyes versus 20 something year old eyes gave me some much needed insight. In that very moment I realized that I had let a good one get away (and this wasnt the first time). Being honest with myself I concluded that I had no vision when it came to that relationship. I didn't see him as the man he would become I saw him as the man he was. That wasnt a bad thing - he was and is good guy; but that insight forced me to admit I was selfish and careless. What's the point of being involved in anything without a goal.

Being in a relationship without a goal and a vision (foundation) is just as careless as being in one and cheating. Same end result is inevitable. You either end up back at square one (single) or unhappy. Goals make it easy to select a partner. Vision allows you to identify all that he (or she) can offer. Patience grants you the reward of seeing a meaningful relationship manifest.

It's never too late to learn and correct!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

the truth about . . . baggage and blame

A few blogs ago I posted a topic titled "the truth about . . . being marriage material". What started out as a topic from a FB friend turned into a great but lengthy post. At the request of readers I'll begin taking each point (10 in total) and elaborating on them individually.

Let's talk about baggage and blame ladies. People often mistake not being over a break-up as baggage. That's only a portion of it so let's first define it so that everyone is on the same page. Baggage - things that encumber ones freedom, progress, development or adaptability. In simple terms  you are still embracing the hurt from previously failed relationships (personal or intimate). Physical or sexual abuse, infidelity, promiscuity, insecurities, lies, mommy and/or daddy issues - pretty much everything you see in the women on most reality shows. The difference between you and them - we know their names.

There comes a point when you must face the fact that you are the common denominator in these failed relationships. If you don't stop and face your reality you will forever be the woman that a man "deals" with and not the woman he loves.

How do you start? Look in the mirror and have a honest conversation with yourself. You are the only person that can call you out on your BS. Continuing to blame a man for your short comings and the inability to make an informed decision based on who you partner with is getting old. Not to mention it's ineffective. By the age of 30 there are just some things you should know and if not buy a book. There a tons of them at the library.

Monday, October 8, 2012

the truth about . . . your weight

I have mixed emotions when I see products marketed to overweight women. It's as if the commercial means to say "Hey you're fat but don't worry we've got that in your size". I mean overweight men aren't a targeted demographic but then again we are talking about the bottom line and no one effects the bottom line like women. Once you add the words "you're beautiful" to the mix you get Black Friday numbers year round.

Having weighed 225lbs after the birth of my son I know a little something about being fat. This weight stayed with me for 3 years. One thing for sure two for certain I was not feeling beautiful, sexy, confident or pretty. At that time I was married and my husband loved me; but was he attracted to me? Of course NOT. He would never admit it; he wasn't stupid. Besides he didn't have to. I could tell by not only his reaction to me but being attracted to me had a lot to do with how I was feeling about myself. Residing in "umpuh-lumpuh ville" was not an alluring quality. Fast forward - I hit the gym, lost the weight now I'm a part time instructor. But that's me - I'm concerned about the 50% of women that are overweight.

Being confident about who you are is an attractive quality. But being who you are should not be unhealthy. Being overweight and blindly continuing a pattern of self destruction all the while screaming from the roof top that you are "Big & Beautiful" is alarming. Not only is it alarming but its a distraction. Distractions keep you in your current state. With every pound gained there is a piece of you lost. When I was overweight I felt outside of myself. It had nothing to do with my size or my style ( I was still fly) but I was not complete. My mind, body and spirit were not operating as one.

I'm not on a soap box screaming "HEY YOU! LOSE THE WEIGHT!". What I am saying is that I understand. Between career, family and maintaining a household, who has time for the gym? But I cant slap you a high five and say "Girl, I get it plus I'm not trying to sweat out my hair out either". I will not affirm madness and lay it at the feet of sisterhood.

What I will say is that you can do it and I will help you any way that I can. I'm sure this will come up - I currently weigh 147lbs and no I didn't use any weight loss programs. It was me, my drive and my ambition. God doesn't discriminate. The same thing He put in me is the same thing He put in you. Commit to "you"- everything and everyone else is secondary.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

the truth about . . . what men are attracted to

I've began a journey called "transitioning". In the African American community it simply means I'm allowing my hair to exist in its natural state. No perm, no heat, no weaves/extensions. Just my hair with some juices and berries also known as moisturizer and natural oils.

I must admit the natural hair has upped my "wow" factor. There has been no shortage of compliments from men (of all races). It made me wonder if we (women) are totally wrong when it comes to what men find attractive. Then I thought about it. It's not the hair (although its pretty fly) that men are attracted to its the uniqueness that is me. It's the confidence I have to not want to look like every other woman that is wearing the trend - whatever it may be.

You can buy just about any physical feature these days - lips, bottoms, calf muscles, breasts, abs, etc. The list goes on and on. But you can't walk into a store and buy "me". You can't buy MY confidence. You can't buy MY style, you can't buy MY conversation or wit. Why? Because I am not "add mall instant woman" and men recognize that.

Men like being acknowledged for doing and having things no one else has. When you apply those traits to what they like in a woman - the answer is a no brain-er. BE YOU! God built it - they will come. I'm not suggesting that every woman take my journey but I am telling you that beginning your own will be life changing. Find the uniqueness that is "you".

Friday, October 5, 2012

the truth about . . . insecure people

So I'm having a conversation with a friend and we stumble across the topic of insecurity. He informs me that he alters his behaviour for the woman in his life because he doesn't want to (and I quote) "I don't want to bring out her insecurities; we all have them". Do we? I didn't realize I was insecure but thanks for the heads up. I'll be sure to tell me that I need to work on that.

After that conversation I started to wonder - are we (meaning all people) insecure? Anythings possible so let me check the standard definition. Insecure - subject to fears or doubts (ok - we all experience that). Not secure, liable to risk, loss or danger (ok - I can see using that definition broadly). Not self-confident or assured (hmmmm).

By definition I guess my friend is right - we all have insecurities. But I was still confused as to why one would alter his behavior if insecurity is so prevalent. I mean if EVERYONE is insecure it shouldn't be that big of a deal right? Sort of like the iPhone 5. It's the third week of its release, everybody knows about so it's no longer a big deal.

(still not clear - thinking, thinking, thinking . . .) A person in a relationship can be "insecure" about how they feel sure but those feelings and/or emotions can only be evoked by the significant other. Then it hit me like Ike!!!! Altering his actions tells me that she is not "assured" by either his past or present behaviour which is a threat. Just like a man to tell a half truth.

Dear Friend,

You are not dealing with an insecure "woman"; you're in an insecure relationship. It takes two and it's pretty obvious based on your altered behaviour that you are not "assured" either. Change at the expense of your authentic self is not the solution. Eventually "you" will want to show up - then what?


Thursday, October 4, 2012

the truth about . . .jealous girlfriends

A "Girls Night Out". That's the pop-culture term women have given our Saturday night meetings where we sit around and talk about what else - men. Recently I've noticed that these "GNO's" are turning into what I would describe as a meeting with the "Bitter Heifer Association". It goes like this. Women who don't have a man are advising other women who have a man on how to conduct themselves in their relationships.

If it were good advice being passed around it wouldn't bother me. But once the "high fives" and the "girl if I were you" start to fly - LOOK OUT - all hell is getting ready to break loose at the expense of your relationship.

A tip for the ladies who accept relationship advice from the BHA - STOP IT. A bitter, scorn and jealous woman cannot advise you on how to handle your relationship. Am I saying all women are like this . . . to a degree (we just don't admit to it). To say there is a woman walking the face of this earth that has never been jealous is like saying you're a born again virgin. How she addresses those jealousy issues is a testament to her character and her will to become better; but to say she isn't or has never been jealous is a bit far fetched. Jealousy doesn't only hang out in the "single women's" camp. It knows no boundaries.

So if you are in a relationship start talking to the one person who can help you overcome the issues you are having - the one you are in the relationship with.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

the truth about . . . men and commitment

I'm not sure how the snow ball effect began but about 10 years ago I remember hearing echoes of the statement "there aren’t any good men left". As the echoes turned into wailings (the only thing missing was the tribal drum to add drama) I was amazed at how many women actually believed this. The only reason I didn’t is because people I knew (yeah men) were getting MARRIED!

NEWSFLASH: Men are not afraid of commitment ladies, they are afraid of committing to the wrong woman. And with standards being low and the amount of women willing to engage in sex with no commitment being high - well I'd be a little skeptical myself.

This really is the easiest problem in the world to solve. Ladies it’s on our hands. Step 1 - get some self esteem (Nieman's doesn’t carry it so it's up to you to do the work). Step 2 - stop having sex with men who don’t have long term plans to be in your life (see Step 1). Step 3 - learn how to like a man based on how he treats you instead of what he can buy you. Take back your power.

Men don’t dream of their wedding day so when they commit most of them are in it for the long haul. Good men are out there waiting on us to get it together.

Men aren't afraid of commitment; they are afraid of commiting to the wrong one.

Monday, October 1, 2012

the truth about . . . being marriage material

A FaceBook friend posed the question "what makes you wife material?" After much consideration I was able to articulate the reasons why I know I am marriage material.

Dear Future Husband,
I am wife material because I've looked myself in the mirror and asked the difficult questions. I've asked God to reveal the good, the bad and the ugly regarding "me". I’ve allowed my spirit ear to accept God’s assessment of me and I’m working on resolving those issues.

I'm wife material because I've unpacked the baggage that could have weighed down our marriage.

I'm wife material because I NO LONGER have unrealistic expectations regarding what OUR marriage is suppose to be. It will be as unique as we are and we will make our rules according to "us" and use God's laws as a guide.

I am wife material because I will not allow outside influences to bend my ear and dictate how I should address any problems we will face.

I am wife material because I understand and will accept that I am no longer a single woman therefore I do not act as if I am. I don’t go to the places that I used to and I don’t spend the same amount of time with my single friends.

I am wife material because not only is my body a temple but it is also yours. That’s why I keep it in the gym 4-5x's a week.

I am wife material because I've come to understand that there is a very delicate process that comes with holding a man's heart. Its not that men don’t want to commit, it’s the fear of committing to the wrong one.

I am wife material because I am not the "wrong one".

I am wife material because God is my compass and my guide and if I can’t hear God then my mother that was married to my father for 32 years is second in line for advice. If Mom is busy then I'll reflect on the memories of my Grandmother who stayed the course with my Grandfather after he was paralyzed from the waste down. Leaving her to bare most of responsibility of raising 8 children plus me from a teenage mother. If those memories become too distant I'll call my Dad's Mom who was married to my Grandfather for 47 years. If all else fails and I'm at my wits ends I'll simply look to you and say "baby I need you to lead me".

I'm wife material because I want your love and above all else I want to give you a reason to believe that real women who love God still exist and through it all I'll love you unconditionally no matter what. You were designed for me by God. A gift like no other and I would never take you, your love and God's gift for granted.
I never signed the "I'm a strong, single, educated, independent sistah" petition and I really want a life that includes having a fulfilling marriage.