Racist? Eeh. Asshole? Yes.

 

   

By now I'm sure you've seen the caricature-esq impersonation of Srena Williams performed by Caroline Wozniacki. If you haven't here's what happened. During an exhibition match in Brazil, Danish tennis player Wozniacki stuffs her bra and shorts to increase the size of her breast and apple bottom during her match against Maria Sharapova. Honestly, when I first saw the picture I immediately thought "she looks ridiculous".  Not because of the claims of racial undertones; but it simply wasn't funny. I've seen impersonations performed by non-professionals (like my family members around the dinner table) who were funnier. Yeah, yeah I get it; it's a joke she's suppose to look ridiculous right? Really? I'll come back to that shortly. Some say this so called friend of Serena's was only joking (as she claims); others see her exploit as racist.

   Dictionary.com defines racism as "a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement,usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others". Based on that definition I can't totally agree that Wozniacki's performance was racist if I use the definition as a reference point; but I do believe that she (along with most people) have a predisposed thought process that desensitizes them to the strife that many suffer in the name of a joke. Overall, as a human race, our intolerance has festered and is boiling over with the inability to be compassionate; especially when it comes to those who find themselves successful in an arena where very few people look like them. I almost feel as if a house nigger shows up, props himself on the shoulder of the offender and says "don't worry bout us. we's gon' hush up. No matter what you do or say massah we ain't gon' complain. We knows you shole been good to us and we's grateful; we's here and that's a good thing. Look how far you've let us come. So you just gon' head with whatever you wanna do or say". So amazing that the offenders get a pass and the offended are suppose to be the bigger person, smile and let it go.

  The real question we should be asking is why are the physical characteristics of Serena being made into a joke? These are characteristics that are directly tied to African Americans and there is nothing we can do about it. It's how we are built. Amazing that "voluptuous" and "fat ass" were not terms used positively when identifying body parts until J Lo hit the scene. And even then the compliment wasn't paid to Black women. Sistah's have been carrying this feature (pun intended) since the beginning of time yet it's only acceptable when the masses give the green light.

   There are claims that Serena wasn't offended and just rolled with it. But really what sort of statement is Serena Williams suppose to put out after a stunt like that? Whatever she could have possibly said would be so heavily scrutinized that we wouldn't even remember how it all began. It's pretty sad when voyeuristic behavior performed by tabloid media is accepted (but then again we are a sad people) because we write it off as "par for the course". If you accept the riches that your talents will bring then you agree that any one on the face of the earth has a right to disrespect you in the name of their opinion or as a joke in this case .

   People (not just Black women) have suffered at the hands of people who are well, assholes. I really don't feel like coming up with another word because asshole works so well. Assholes usually stick and move with a hidden agenda.The issue I have with this particular asshole (Wozniacki) is that she is the most dangerous kind of asshole. She seems to be operating in a zombie like state. Doing what she has seen others do; totally unaware of what her behavior suggests about how she really feels about her "friend". If ever given the opportunity I would first like to ask Wozniacki what she thinks of Serena Williams? Not that she would answer honestly but I would really like to know. 

   Which brings me to my point in the first paragraph about Wozniacki looking ridiculous. Unlike an addiction or learned behavior Serena can't help the donk. So to take jabs at her physical features is insensitive. Caroline, do you really in your heart of hearts think that with everything Serena has endured in the world of tennis (where only a handful of Black women have excelled) that she really thought your display of how "you" see her was at all funny? I'm sorry I've made the mistake of using the word "think". In order to "think" you must first care. You Caroline could careless about Serena. If you were a real friend you would know how this makes Serena feel even without her confiding in you that it bothers her. Which I'm sure she hasn't. The last thing she needs is her "friends" tweeting "OMG. Serena can't take a joke." Do Serena a favor and find someone else to mock. You can start with yourself and the fact that you have yet to win a Grand Slam title. Now there's a quick way to start trending.

Damn. I Got Played

 

   

   
     It's just as the headline reads - I got played. Now let me explain what that means. I'm dating. The purpose of me dating is to find my significant other (I'm a bit too mature to refer to someone as a "boyfriend"). Once my significant other and I have found each other the goal for us will be to become engaged. After that, marriage. It's that simple. Date. Commit. Engage. Marry. Of course, there is a ton of bull*hit that will come with getting through those simple yet complex steps but I'm willing to do the work so I'm expecting a great return. 

    I'm not sure if most women employ this tactic but I'm very upfront about what I want and expect. It's never with a disrespectful, finger waving, neck rolling tone either. I simply communicate what I'm looking for and what I want for my life. I'm also all about making sure I am doing right by the person I'm in a relationship with. If it doesn't work, then hey, that's OK as well. More often times than not I do meet really good guys and we simply don't work. There is either no chemistry or he just isn't that into me or vice versa. That's it.

    With me being an upfront type of gal I usually do a great job of weeding out the "one and done" type of guy. The "OAD" guy is the one you have 1 date with and they decide you're not worth the effort (for whatever the reason). Now, what I wasn't prepared for was the guy that decides "Yeah, I hear you but imma still try to *uck. I hear what you're saying about your vision for a marriage and a husband. You've laid out your expectations. We might be able to have something but I'm not sure if I really want that with you. One thing I do know  is that I would *uck you if given the opportunity. That relationship thing, eeh. 

    This is the dude who got by my years of experience. IKR. Shame on me. So here's the deal. I've been "dating" (getting to know each other without engaging in casual, non-committal sex) someone for about a month. I liked him because he made me laugh and I felt comfortable around him almost immediately. Unlike some men (even those that are educated) he didn't use curse words (at least around me), which was so refreshing. There are just some things that I don't do in the presence of a man and I expect the same. Things like cursing, yelling, burping, farting or not excusing myself from a room full of men when I'm the only woman, are just not feminine characteristics. And no matter how comfortable I am with my man I would never do those things around him. So when he displayed some of this same behavior I was like "awwwl right nah". 

   Out the gate we were able to talk about community, politics, pop culture, parenting and a host of other topics. I asked the questions I wanted to know the answers to and his answers  worked for me. Now, lets fast forward to the what I call the "regrouping" stage. I like to ask the guy I'm dating similar questions to the ones I asked when we initially met. It's not a game but once a person gets to know you their answers and perspectives change. My uncle has always told me "they all come out of the gate good but how he runs the race for you is the deciding factor on how he feels about you."

Me: "So, why haven't you had a girlfriend?" 

Him: "I don't want one."

Me: (Scooby Doo) urrgghh? Then what are you doing on a dating website with a defined status of "Looking For: Serious relationship"? (I was really thinking then WTH are we doing?)

Him: "I mean if I find her then cool.  . . . I just go with it".

Me: "Have you ever purchased a plane ticket without knowing the flight's destination? Ending up in Bangladesh is quite different than ending up in Turks & Caicos?"

Him: Naw but I mean I feel like it's more difficult to find a person to date than it is to keep a serious relationship or marriage together. So I just go with whatever.

   This conversation with this new person continued for about 30 minutes. I don't even remember what the hell we discussed in the last 30 minutes. I was still back on the "I don't want one" answer. This is when I discovered I had played myself. I made the assumption that because I had made my intentions known early on that we were both moving in the same direction. A relationship. Clearly what I know I want ( a significant other/husband) is different from his very casual approach to eventually finding "miss right" or "miss right now". My girl told me that I go to hard in the paint on dudes. She said that I don't allow enough time for things to develop and that I'm too quick to keep it moving.

   I believed that for about 3 days then I resorted to what works for me - I kept it moving. In the process of keeping it moving I'm not going to do any male bashing or call up the "Bitter Heifer Association" for a night out with the girls. I'm simply going to examine my behavior and adjust it (if necessary). I'll do this while trying to refrain from singing Jasmine Sullivan's "I Bust the Windows Out Your Car". JUST KIDDING!!! I know, I know. It's only been about 30 days worth of dating. Better than 3 years right? But disappointment is disappointment just like pain is pain. There is no threshold based on the source.  I kinda feel like that helium balloon that you watch slowly deflate over the course of a few weeks. Needless to say but dating today is hard work and can take a toll on anyone (man or woman). Quite honestly being back to square 1 sucks.

   I wanted to share this experience because as humans we do a great job at giving out advise and appear to have all the answers without divulging any of the heartache. I came across a quote that read "Never compare your everyday life to someone else's highlight reel". That is indeed what social media is. Articles, status updates, tweets, perfect pics - it's all the good stuff. The stuff we don't mind showing the world. Me - I'm 'bout real life. The good, the bad, the ugly. I'm at a point where I don't mind sharing who I really am and in the process I hope to make my mess a message.

   At the end of the day we ARE ALL CRAY! It's simply about finding the one that can love your cray and so in that spirit of wanting to be loved we continue on. Since there is always one asshole that emails me or comments and takes the article totally out of context let me be perfectly clear. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't write to bash men. I don't write to bash women. I write with the objective of informing and expressing what I have learned and experienced. At the end of the day we all (that's right) ALL of us want to be loved by someone other than our Momma. If sharing my mess ups gets one person through a tough day or encourages someone to move forward with doing what is right instead of trying to be right - then mission accomplished. 

   In short, we have got to do better by each other. Any one that can look at the state of today's relationships and accept them as they are has a problem. If you can't see how *ucked up things really are out here then you sir/ma`me are apart of the problem. We don't love or care about each other any more and that makes me sad. I have no shame in being human.

   Keep ya heads up ladies and gents. In the words of Sam Cooke, "its been a long time coming . . . but change gon' come." Now I know Sam was making a political statement about racism and division but look at the way we treat "Love". It's hated. It's misunderstood. It's taken for granted. It's exploited. It's accepted behind closed doors where the world can't see it. If "Love" is not the new minority then tell me what else is.

the truth about . . . Jay Z aka Sean Carter

"Now these *iggas is mad, oh they call me a camel. But I mastered the drought, what the *uck. I'm an animal. Half man half mammal;  my sign is a Sag. This is just what I planned to do, oh, don't be mad."

  At this very moment as I'm putting pen to paper I'm streaming J. Without doubt he is THE BEST TO EVER DO IT. PERIOD. Just like they'll never be another group like the Beatles or a pop phenom like Micheal Jackson; they'll never be another Jay Z aka Sean Carter. And when I say "do it" I'm referring to "doing" Hip Hop. Not this bull*hit that most late 80's and beyond babies happily download and recite. That ish is "rap music".

     I could go on and on listing the many accomplishments of J. I mean any time you're on "lets get together and change the course of history" terms with the POTUS there's not much more that needs to be said. But for the sake of substantiating this point let's continue. I must first define Hip Hop in order to lay claim as to why J (and I refer to him as J because I know him and no, he doesn't know me) is the epitome of the definition. Hip Hop is not a beat. Hip Hop is not lyrical content (although lyrical depth is completely MIA these days). Hip Hop is not one dimensional. Hip Hop is not defined by cars, clothes, money and hoes. Hip Hop is not a genre.

   Hip Hop is life and death; both coexisting at the same time. Hip Hop is a continual cycle of strategically abducting the less than fair opportunity that life will grin and begrudgingly hand you; as if it is doing you some sort of favor. Hip Hop is evolutionary. Hip Hop is NOT concluding that the *ucked up circumstances you were born into is all there is to life. Hood for life right? What dumbass wants to stay in the hood? Hip Hop is NOT about "work hard play hard". Have you ever been witness to Steve Jobs(R.I.P.), Mark Zuckerburg or Oprah Winfrey "working" hard. Strategically planning? Yes. Critically thinking? Yes. But "working" (which is a physical act), No. 

   I don't need to chronicle his "rags to riches" tale (Google it). J isn't the best to ever do it because of the money any way. J respected the game. Learned the game. Reinvented the game. Then transitioned the game.  All by doing what ALL grown men do - "Yall should grow the *UCK up come here let me coach you". 

1. Be receptive to opportunity (learning from BIG he recognized how Hip Hop could alter his life. Bow-tie before I die ).

2. Exploit the opportunity (independently hustling what he knew best; not product but the streets)

3. Give 'em what they want and get what you need ("I dumb down for my audience to double my dollars")

4. Admit that eagles can't soar with pigeons ("Hov had to get the shallow *hit up off him")

5. Learn from you're surroundings instead of becoming enchanted with them (40/40 Clubs over cars)

6. Accept your demons and deal with them (forgiving the man that abandoned him wasn't easy but understanding that his forgiveness wasn't for his Dad but for Blue Ivy was monumental (you'll get that later- hopefully)

7.Engage with people who are where you want to be (I doubt Warren Buffet will ever sit down with Rick Ross).

  Is J Einstein? Nope. "Far from a Harvard student; just had the balls to do it." To put it simply, J is the epitome of the perfect storm; in which he uses the elements of non-traditional hustle and intellect to secure his seat at the table.  He runs an empire. He engages the wealthy (not rich) and powerful. He's a giver (". . .ask Columbine"). He's a philanthropist (". . .gave water out to everybody"). He's a son. He's a husband. He's a father. There are over 300 million pics of J available on the G search engine. Not one (at least that I saw) in a compromising position.  He saw what he could be and was smart enough not to compromise. He didn't take the bait - visionary. Sure, SuperHead outed him but how many men turn down good head? Besides it's not like this was a rarity for her.


   Hip Hop is a gift to those of us that were born with shades of brown skin (Em is an outlier). It is a courtesy passed down  to us a.k.a. "those people". In its simplest form it's a chance. Not one that should be happily watered down because "rappers" can't get past their own limited vision and intellectually combine life and lyrics. Repeating "ass" is as about as deep as a puddle on a day the sun never stops shining.

  Since this "gift" has been passed on to J he's cultivated it; raised the requirements to be included within the ranks of the greats (Em, Pimp-Juice and Us). He is the best to ever do it. He is Hip Hop.

 



 

  

the truth about . . . You're not thick your FAT (part II)

  Not too long ago I wrote a piece on weight. It was a kind way of saying, "hey, things are getting out of control with how much America is beginning to weigh." To be fair and authentic, any topic I write about is being written from a personal perspective. I know what it's like to be overweight. Having been a resident of "umpuh-lumpuhville" myself (weighing 225lbs), I get it. Which is why it's difficult for me to have compassion for people who refuse to acknowledge what's happening to their bodies or work to improve them.

   It's extremely difficult for me to understand this new era of "fat". This overconfident, brash, pushy, presumptuous, over-bearing woman that is in denial about two things. 1.) her health. 2.) the way she looks. Let me set the record straight so that men aren't left to do the heavy lifting (pun intended). There is nothing remotely sexy or appealing about a woman that is obese or morbidly obese. N O T  H I N G!!! And just because the porn industry has a BBW category doesn't make it acceptable. There is also a difference between dressing like a lady or a whore no matter your size. Today I'm addressing the whores (or as most rap songs say "these ho's).

   You may be kind. You may be talented. You may be smart. You may be educated. You may be pretty. Those qualities alone are enough to radiate sexiness. But NOOOOO. You'd rather prance around in a dress that was originated for a size 0, 2 or 4 and you're a size 24. Do you not know what you look like? In short, please stop disrespecting yourself. If you can't do that at least respect the fact that many of us don't wanna see you - NAKED. I know what some of you are thinking, don't look then. Sorry, we are innocent onlookers; mesmerized like a deer in the headlights. Which is why we can't stop looking.

   Is everyone woman going to be a size 0, 2, or 4? No. Should every woman be a size 0, 2 or 4? No. But every woman should know the truth. Parading yourself around half naked looking like a rump roast before the strings are removed or a can of busted biscuits just to prove you're some how competitive with the skinny chics is sad. It does nothing but reinforce the stereotype that you will do anything and everything for the attention you are craving. You have a group of friends who all look just like you and instead of saying "Damn, this is not a good look. We are out of breath; we have high blood pressure and we are predisposed to diabetes based on family history. We are using the electronic cart at the grocery store because we can't walk for 30 minutes. We gotta get this ish under control. We don't have to look like toothpicks but we gotta do something. Let's support each other and get it done." 

    That is clearly not the conversation. The convo goes something like this "Girl bye! I'm HOTT just like the rest of these broads. My hair is fly (which I refuse to sweat out by the way), I can dress and I got a cute face". 

    What you've done is surrounded yourself with a group of peers that affirm your mess. Instead of you taking the "Bitter Heffa Association" to the next level you'd rather slap high fives with them so you can stay in your comfort zone. You'd rather be tolerable than chased. The average man will say "yeah, I'd hit" (at least for right now). And I've conversed with plenty of men that have shared with me how they really feel.  

   "If I'm with a woman and I love her and she begins to gain weight I'm not going to leave her but things may change if I'm not attracted to her sexually any more."

  "If I treated my wife/significant other a certain way when we first met (flowers, candy, shopping, trips, etc.) and I stopped, wouldn't she be upset? Now if she gains weight, like a lot of weight, I'm not suppose to be upset? That's not how we began our relationship".

  "The side walk is free. That and a jump rope is all you need . Plus she buys them damn Tyler Perry movies on bootleg; get that Insanity or something too; but by all means do something to show me you care about yourself."

  Men have a legitimate gripe (and yes so do women). There are plenty of men suffering from "Dickdo". That's an ailment that forces your stomach to stick out further than yo' *ick do. I'll be addressing the men soon - don't worry. This is certainly not about men though. Simply put its reality. I'm sick of women trying to make "fat" pretty and acceptable. It is not. It's not acceptable to treat your body any kind of way. It's not acceptable to eat  yourself into a congestive heart failure status. It is not acceptable to use the excuse of "eating healthy cost too much". It's not acceptable to say "this is how we eat as a community". 

   As much as people like to yell "YOLO" it is amazing to me that those idiots are forgetting it is "self awareness" that is the biggest determining factor in how long that actually is. We (ladies) have got to do better.

INBOX QUESTION AFTER ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN:

Q:  Since you have so much to say about being fat how much do you weigh now? Did you have surgery? How did you lose the weight? I'm just curious. Do you have any pics?

A: Thank you for your question. I'm glad you were able to read the article subjectively. I currently weigh 147lbs. I didn't have ANY type of surgery (gastric bypass, lipo or tummy tuck) or use ANY food program (Jenny Craing, Weight Watchers, etc) . I lost the weight by hitting the gym 5-6 days a week. I also became a certified fitness instructor which helps me to stay active. The chic in the black bikini - that's me May 2012!! YOLO!!!!!!! 

the truth about . . . Men, Access & Azz

  Today's technology gives men, all kinds of men, access to women like they've never, ever had. Have you ever stopped to think about that? I mean really ponder what a man has access to. The married woman. The stripper The rat. The porn star. The weird classmate from the 10th grade. The ex-girlfriend that is now married. The girl he thought was cute but never said anything to. The recent divorcee. The girl he liked but she ignored him. 

   Now lets remove the creepy factor and think about what this instant access is creating for someone like the "average Joe" . He's educated or has a skilled trade which brings him a decent wage. He has pics of himself as a child on his profile page (awwwww). He usually has a funny or sometimes introspective status update. He never has pics with women that would jeopardize his image of appearing "available". This prohibits skepticism and the following inbox message "She's cute. Is that your girlfriend?". His relationship status is not visible and is never updated. He appears (via screen) to be a really nice guy. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS? Ass-quakes. Ass-trays. Ass-states. Ass-shakes. It's a plethora of a**and all he has to do is log in. When he's bored. During halftime. Waiting to be interviewed. When his date goes to the restroom. Waiting on the movie to begin. At work. When he can't sleep. 

   Odds are there is a woman available to converse via inbox at any one of those times. It's simple math and time zone calculation (the net is worldwide baby). And those conversations are a plan. No matter how long it takes. It's a systematic pecking order and a steady drip eventually creates a hole. Even if he never beds you, the fact that you converse with him boost his ego. When you fall out of place he can go days without communicating with you because there is always someone else. And when you reconnect its just like time never passed you by. Know why? Because the previous conversations are right there for you to peruse and they rekindle (over and over again) that euphoric bliss without him even saying anything additional. By this time you gon'. Not gone. GON'.

    Once these conversations manifest into meeting for coffee or "just hanging out" half the work is done. You like him. This actually cuts down on the time it takes to get you in bed. Instantly this dude is gettin' it in with women he would have never had a shot with. Sounds like paradise for a man - its not. It's actually the most dangerous combination known to man. Access + Opportunity + Yearning + Willing participants = Internal powder keg.

    Just because you can get the a** doesn't mean you should. Men do you know what you're setting yourself up for? Let me be clear. I like men. I've loved a few you; one of you unconditionally. I love how men handle their business. I love the way they are with their children. I love how you can make me feel like the only girl in the world. I love how you brighten my day with the smooth sound of your voice over the phone. I love how we can talk about world events and nothing; all at the same time. Contrary to popular belief they do exist! (good men).

   So in good conscious I cant sit back and allow your insatiable appetite to destroy your soul. I get it. Sex to you is so good it's not even describable (read the "4F's - Feed him, *uck Him, be Faithful & stFu sometimes"). But you have to know and understand that for every woman you run through you are losing a piece of yourself, destroying a piece of her and relinquishing any hope of ever loving a woman unconditionally. You can front for others in the club. In the office. At the game; but don't front on yourself. Stop believing "these hoes are all the same" and giving into the one part of yourself that can eradicate any hope of something sensible.

  Whenever you decide to allow yourself to love and be loved - what will you have left? You'll end up a shell of a person. All because of some AZZ. Your larger than life ego has convinced you that you should satisfy every urge and fantasy because now you can. Here's your chance to shine. To be that dude you once envied.  To not have one dime but a few. All that glitters is not gold and every sugary thing is not sweet. At the end of the day you're a grown man. You'll do as you please. In the course of doing what you please be mindful of that empty feeling that creeps up on you every so often. Every so often is going to turn into every day. And that 30 minute session (I'm being generous) with the chic you don't even like will not be enough to fill that void that you willingly created.

the truth about . . . Today's Man.

     The first time I heard Diddy (Puff Daddy, Puffy, P Diddy, Sean Combs - yeah that dude) use the term I fell out from laughter. Coarse in language, yes, but that one word sums up the behavior that so many men exhibit these days. Now based on the urban dictionary "BAN" (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bitchassness) is a noun. It's essentially a term for a hater/man that overreacts to the smallest of things; he exhibits childish or immature behavior.  I'd like to expand the definition and make use of it as an adjective.  Let's use the list below to describe some of the "today's man" characteristics.

Skinny Jeans. 
     -No comment necessary.

Standing appointments for pedicures.

    -What happened to the basic trim or line up at the barbershop on  Saturday morning? Grooming is one thing. Wanting to be pampered? Yeah OK.

Lying to women and claiming you "got game". 

    -Men lying is nothing new and women get caught up because we like the way things sound and for some reason ignore the stupid stuff men actually do. That's our bad. But a man lying about who he is and what he has is by default the #1 trait in "*ithc*ssness. The reason you lie is because nothing about you "sounds" that great so you resort to making ish up. What kind of man doesn't or refuses to work and then hides behind lies?

Profile pics with your shirt off. 

     -It's one thing to wanna show off your hard work but I'm beginning to wonder who these dudes are really posing for? Women have never gone crazy over a centerfold layout. We go crazy over makeup (which is why it's a billion dollar industry).We aren't visual like that and if we were someone would have cashed in on it by now. Yeah, we'll comment but to actually become stimulated by it? That's a male trait. Which brings me back to the first question.Who are you posing for? 

  This list of offenses is endless and could continue for days but you get the point. Something has gone terribly awry. Some of these ****** is *itches too and some of these ****** look just like you. I keep hearing men claim "they don't make 'em like that any more". Meaning a man can't find a woman that will be faithful and loyal; she cooks and takes care of her home and children. She loves and respects her man. She's a lady in streets and a freak in the sheets. I have no problem with those requirements when a MAN is deserving. 

     How can you expect to attract a woman when so many of your characteristics fall outside the definition of a man? Call me a cave woman, antiquated, old fashion or close minded. What you won't and can't call me is wrong. If you can't see that the roles are being reversed (men acting like women and women acting like men) then you my friend are straddling the fence and don't know which side you are suppose to be on. (I'll be addressing the women soon.)

     Although my Dad didn't do everything right there was no mistaking him for any thing other than a man. EVERYTHING about him exuded manhood. His voice. His pride in how he looked and dressed. His ability to get up every day to go to a job he wasn't that crazy about. His love for his family. All those things describe one thing - MANHOOD. I didn't say perfection; I said "man". By definition it is becoming an endangered species.

the truth about . . . Being the nice girl AKA dumb broad

   

    We've been hearing "nice guys finish last" for decades. I often think of the guy that's so far gone over the girl that doesn't want him that he'll resort to desperate, embarrassing measures to win her affection (insert any teen movie starring Molly Ringwald here). Up until recently I believed that those acts were merely a display of his devotion and love; que the violin riiiiiigggghhhht here. (In my damsel in distress, gazing out at the river as if flows with the hope of eternal love; the moon light shimmy's as my sheer dress and hair blow in the light breeze voice) "This must be love; it has to be. I've never felt this way about anyone before (at least not since last month)." If this BS is Love I'm straight.

   For the sake of drama keep that same damsel in distress scenario above and read these words aloud ". . . I've never felt this way before. I know he's having a tough time but in this economy who isn't? Sure it's been over a year since he's worked but I knew that when I met him. I'll take care of him until he's on his feet." Or try this one. This time place the back of your hand on your forehead and repeat after me "I know he's always texting but he says it's only his friends and he doesn't want to be rude". Here's a good one (keep your hand in place and read like you're in "Gone with the Wind) "Yes, he only stops by when its convenient but he's tired - he works 12 hours a day".

   As a woman can't you see how ridiculous this ish sounds? Now go ahead and insert the dumb ass things you've done to get a bed buddy. No real man would make  a chic he can run the above game on on his woman. So in case you thought you were his girlfriend let me be clear. (In my Maury voice) You ma'me are not the girlfriend. You're the nice broad; too afraid of being alone so you've removed your spine and replaced it with "nice". You're rationale goes something like this. If  I don't nag him then he knows that I'm a keeper. If I continue to reward his behavior (good or bad) he'll realize how much I care about him. If I ignore my gut instincts and just go with it things will work out. You poor, simple, delusional chic. 

   Not nagging or checking him is a sign that you're afraid of what he'll do (like leave) * U C K HIM. You're not in a relationship any way. You're simply passing time and pacifying this dudes ego until the next chic comes along. Continuing to give a man your all (sex) when he does nothing to deserve it does the complete opposite of what you intend it to do. It doesn't tell him you care about him; it screams " I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME". How can a woman who puts a mans needs before her own (it's different when you are married) consider herself a keeper? What kind of mother would you make? Trust, he's thought it. GIRL BYE! 

   Stop using the fact that you are nice. Hell, most (authentic) women are nice. We are the givers of life. It's in our DNA to be compassionate. It's how we are built. Stop using the "I'm just a nice person" to free your guilty conscious from the fact that you're being stupid in the name of fake ass love. Stop thinking you can't do better. YOU CAN. Oprah Winfrey has one of the biggest hearts known to man kind. Her heart is her brand. Besides Ghandi, Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King, Jr. can you think of any one else that has done more to change the lives of others? Do you think Oprah would allow any person (not just a man) to jeopardize what she has built? Not the empire - her self worth!! Do you think she would cater to a mofo that could give a damn about how she feels? What she thinks? What makes her happy? If he was indeed the culprit that created the tear stains on her pillow do you think she'd be jockeying for position? Sure she's a billionaire now but look at what she came from. She is no more deserving than you but she is different. Different in the fact that she would not allow anyone to dictate how she moves through this life.

   MANNNNN LOOK. There is no greater feeling in the world than telling a dude who's only intention is to bend you like Beckham to 

* U C K OFF. And don't make empty threats. Say it. Mean it. Delete his number. Don't take his calls and keep it moving. You can say a lot about those who've made their money off of drama filled, scripted reality shows. They can be called groupies, hoes, home wreckers, gold diggers, opportunists, etc. One thing you cant call them is "worthless" though. Even if their worth is tied to superficiality they bout that life and they get it in at all cost. They have created the life they wanted (whether we agree with it or not) and they make no apologies for it. At least it's their life. One they crafted. Not one that was left up to some random dude to decide.

  The lesson for the day little girls? Stop being "nice". The dude isn't the problem; he's simply the manifestation.  How you see yourself and what you deserve is the real problem. Here's a thought. How about being nice to you?

  

the truth about . . . the 90 Day Rule

   

     The 90 (pause)  Day (pause)  Rule (pause). Any one who has heard this phrase knows it's the time period in which a woman decides if she will sleep with a man. Most recently the phrase has been made popular by comedian and author Steve Harvey. The "90 Day Rule" is suppose to provide women with a  man's true intentions once the "honeymoon" phase is over (which by current standards is about 30 days).

   At first I had mixed reviews about the timeline. There is no guarantee that while a man is in the probationary period he isn't sleeping with someone else; or that he isn't simply waiting the 90 days and will then move on. After being on information overload about what to do, what not to do, when to do it, blah, blah, blah; I decided to go back and re-read Mr. Harvey's book. WHO FREAK-IN  KNEW! Get this ladies. The 90 Day Rule has very little to do with sex . While sex is the cherry on top of a long awaited sundae; it SHOULD NOT be the goal. I've heard a ton of women say "I waited the 90 days and it still didn't work out between us". That's because women are making the 90 days about him (sex) instead of making it about them. 

   Now me I'm old school (and my friends clown me for this to no end) but if  I have sex with a man - NEWSFLASH - we go together (who even uses that terminology any more?) Juvenile it may seem but its worked for me. We are indeed in a committed relationship once sex comes into play. And for the record getting to the point of intimacy with me will take some time. Please don't think you'll pass me the note that reads "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes, no or maybe. Then once "yes" is checked we'll be doing the nasty. Sex equals commitment, PERIOD. Now I know that seems a bit far fetched considering sex is as easy to get as unwanted friend request but that's how I roll. And I take great pride in telling any suitor this fairly early in the courting stages.

 
 Here's where the "90 Day Rule" can confuse some of us. We think that making him wait 90 days some hows forces him to see how great we are. Once he recognizes that we really do like him and that we'd make a great girlfriend its smooth sailing once the 90 days is up. W R O N G. If the only thing you accomplish in 90 days is making him wait then you ma'am have failed. Now hear this - the "90 Day Rule" is for YOU to decide if this man is truly worth your all based on HIS ACTIONS - NOT THE 90 DAYS. Did he care enough to bring you soup when you had a cold. Did he ever inquire about how your day was? Was he at the funeral of a loved one that passed? Was he cool with being around your friends and/or family? Can he offer you any thing besides hard *ick and bubblegum? If not, then keep it moving. Stop wasting your time thinking because he waited 90 days that he's into you.

  There are approximately 24 weekends within a 90 day period. If both of you have full time jobs, extracurricular activities, children, a gym routine and make time for family and friends, how much time are you really left with? Let's say you squeeze in an extra day a week. That only adds 12 days to the 24. Now we're at 36 whole days for you to make a decision about if you'll give yourself to this man. Damn shame.

   Ladies, I know we want him to put a ring on it; but he never will if we don't place a value on it. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE Mr. Harvey and all that he stands for. He reminds me of my Dad (suits and all). He loves his daughters, which inspired him to write the book. That love has trickled down and helped millions of women. But he can't do it all by himself. We have to stand in our truth and own it. Don't be afraid of the standards you put in place for any man. Hell, if you're like me and single, having standards can't make you any more single. It simply weeds out the "1 and Dones". 

  I know. It looks like the H.O.E.S. are winning (see the truth about . . . H.O.E.S). They have the ass implants, the ballers (legal as well as illegal), they have the red bottoms, the most likes on FB and their immoral behavior is rewarded. Some of them even end up with half way decent dudes. But there's a cost to giving yourself to the highest bidder. One that cant be recouped. 

   Will you get lonely? YUP. Par for the course. Take it from me, you can't be busy enough to forget you're single; but you can be productive. If you cant be productive then chill. Saaat down some where and just enjoy your peace. Will you get horny? YUP. Invest in a rabbit. Does wonders. Oh and get the the industrial strength AA's.

   Three things you must do. 1.) Stop entertaining worthless men. If he doesn't have your best interest at heart stop dealing with him. In short * U C K HIM (and not literally). 2.) Be able to recognize a good man when he comes along (and the only way you can do that is by applying #1). 3.) Whatever your timeline is, make it about you, not him. You should be the most important factor in your equation and decision.

the truth about . . . HEAD. Stereotypes and all

   It’s not that this article will give me a slot in the “advancement of my people” or “credit to my race” category it’s simply to set the record straight. I’m over 

the comparisons of Black women to other races of women. Black women don’t do this; Black women don’t do that. Black women are too damn difficult; Black women have attitudes. The unbalanced weight of today's reality shows don't help us much either. So when I heard this topic being discussed among some men; I listened, took some notes and decided I should weigh in.

   For the record Black women don’t have a problem with oral sex. Think about it. A sistah will go hard in the paint for the man she loves. Honestly, some men just don’t move us like that. So I’m going to tackle this taboo topic. The fact that I’m writing this article speaks to how far women have come in owning our sexuality. I’m not talking about the false ownership that is presented by females who rap lyrics written by men or porn stars that perform from the male P.O.V. I’m not speaking of the H.O.E.S. who treat oral sex like a recreational jaw exercise or an alternative to Botox. I’m speaking of the well adjusted woman who understands the ego boost and the selflessness that comes with performing this act (for her man /husband). Please believe me when I tell you, if your woman doesn’t do it (and she’s a sistah) then it’s you partna. You are not where you should be and you’re insecure. We know it and you know we know it yet you still front. So in an effort to boost your self esteem we MIGHT hook you up but it wont be often; and it will be haphazard.

  I remember like it was yesterday. “Nikki, come in here. I wanna talk to you about something. A co-worker and I were talking today and she told me that she encourages her daughter to perform oral sex as a way to preserve her virginity. We don’t believe that and you don’t have to do it –ever!” So there’s the reason why we didn’t do it like "Becky". We weren't raised that way (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oral_sex). And yes my Mothers co-worker was of a different race (to each his own – no judgment here).

  Now fast forward to current day. Plain and simple when we do it – we like you. More than likely we love you. When we break you off it means something. Follow me. We had to consider it. The consideration came into to play because you asked for it or you pulled the old “push her head down” routine. We pondered the idea; decided you were worth it, held our breath, dived in and in that very moment we were unselfish. Fellas let’s be very clear. WE GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OUT OF THIS. And please don’t let there be a need for “Ball Fresh” (see Jill Scott live in concert).

  Now, for you dudes with the larger than life ego who thinks the “WG’s do it all for me” – let that go. It’s her preference. It has nothing to do with “you”. They do it because it keeps the cookie sacred. See the pattern here?

  Lesson for the day – an insecure man is the equivalent of a woman with low self esteem; annoying and displeasing. So stop blaming us and do a mirror check.

the truth about . . . EMOTION VS. LOGIC

So, in the spirit of Halloween my son and I sit down every year after Trick or Treating to watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". I've been watching this cartoon since I can remember but yesterday was the first time I had watched with new eyes. Eyes that can no longer be oblivious to the dumb ass stuff women do and then blame men for.

So there Linus was, all excited about the "Great Pumpkin" coming to the pumpkin patch on Halloween. He began his sit-in around dusk; just as the rest of the gang was getting ready to go Trick or Treating. Lucy, Charlie, Lionel, Pig Pen, Sally and the rest of the gang walk by the patch and see Linus there patiently waiting. Everyone including Sally knew Linus was either high or delusional (which is one in the same) because unlike Santa Claus no one had ever heard of the "Great Pumpkin". Linus said it was because Santa had a better publicity team. Really Linus? That's what you're going with. OK.

As the gang walks off (proclaiming Linus is a blockhead) and continues on with Halloween, Sally (ooh Sally) glances back, her heart starts to do the "pitter patter" dance, her eyes lock on Linus, she turns and runs back to the pumpkin patch. Sally is so excited to be with Linus (even though he didn't ask her to) that she sits out an evening filled with FREE candy, gifts, laughs and an all around good time just to do so. Sound familiar?

As the evening continues Sally realizes she believed the hype. Not his hype but her own; yet she still takes her frustrations out on Linus when its herself she should be upset with. Sally thought by giving up her time Trick or Treating Linus would see how wonderful a person she was and then scream from the rooftop - "YOU'RE THE ONE FOR ME! I LOVE YOU LUCY! MARRY ME. She was wrong.

"I WAS ROBBED! I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT WAITING FOR THE GREAT PUMPKIN WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN OUT FOR TRICKS OR TREATS. HALLOWEEN IS OVER AND I MISSED IT. YOU BLOCKHEAD!! YOU KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR THE GREAT PUMPKIN . . .  AND   IT   WAS   ALL   YOUR   FAULT? Sally,  Linus didn't ask you to bring yo' ass to the pumpkin patch. He thanked you for coming but he didn't ask you to.

Sally, like a lot of women, made a decision based on her emotional NEEDS and not logic. Have you ever heard of the damn "Great Pumpkin"? Hell naw! But instead of using common sense Sally opted to make a bad decision and then blame the dude. Be woman enough to admit to a man that you like him. You are the only one that has to deal with the fall out if it's for the wrong reasons. Had Sally admitted to Linus that she liked him instead of dropping hints (playing games in other words) she could have had her candy for the night and a possible boo (and not the scary kind). Linus was a boy (man) he would have never figured it out the hints any way. 

Ladies, take notes from the pages of stupid Sally. Stop making emotional decisions that trump logic. If a 30 year old cartoon can highlight this behavior, as a grown woman, you should be able to do the same.

the truth about . . . gettin' slapped up. I'm not saying its right but I understand

When the video of "Uppercut Bus Driver Joe" went viral I wasn't in a hurry to see it. I figured it would be another grainy video of  (SOME)  Black people acting a fool. That was still the case but what surprised me (and that's not easy) was the person who turned out to be the catalyst. I thought I was going to be privy to an assault on an innocent woman (and I use the term "woman" loosely). Adopting the attitude of the peanut  gallery I thought for sure I could call this one.But mannnnnn when I watched the video I thought to myself "Oh, she does this often. This is who she is. This is what she comes from and this is what she knows". I mean this chic was screaming on this grown ass man so tough I began to understand the upper-cut before I even saw it.

Then it happened. AWW-YUUKEN!!! I laughed so hard for so long I felt like I had been transported to Richard Pryor live in concert. There is a saying that a man should never hit a woman. Well, that was during a time when a woman was easily recognizable. With the exception of a woman being intoxicated I cant remember a time when women in droves would blatantly and continuously emasculate men. AND THIS WAS PUBLICLY. So was Joe wrong? Nope (not in my opinion).

Fact: She put her hands on him. The End. You cannot berate a man and expect him not to react like a man. It's just like women who marry football players. He knocks other men the *uck out for a living yet you expect him to all of a sudden turn off that learned behaviour. A behaviour he is payed millions for. OK.

But lets talk about the "average Joe". Why are females so quick to get into Joe's face? I think I know why. Attention. Let's take Jody and Yvette (Baby Boy). Jody was terrible. We know this and Yvette knew it too. She couldn't force him to be faithful but she could (with that mouth) force him to respond. Even if it was with an open handed slap in the mouth. 

Women push dudes like that because 1.) We know you will react; even if you just shake the hell out of us. 2.) You'll eventually apologize and 3.) We hope that some where within that apology you magically say "damn she do love me; I was wrong. Imma get my *hit together. That, of course, never happens which is why the cycle continues. Sick and twisted but true. No matter the age, background, education or class. This is true across the board.

A woman cannot over power a man. Not even Laila Ali. To be on the safe side just stFu (read "the truth about . . . the 4F's). And if you cant for some reason find it within yourself to just shut your trap then woman up and get ready for da business. Besides your futile attempts to get his attention are wasting my damn tax dollars. 911 ain't free. 

the truth about . . . H.O.E.S.

 Of course the headline is about shock value. Worked didn't it? For some time now I've been in denial about how women have created and fostered the state of relationships as we currently know them. Whether your in a "FWB" relationship or your profile page declares your relationship is complicated the truth is that most women have grown quite content with embracing and acting like the common hoe (which is quite different from a whore).

 Hollow. Overconfident. Expecting. Self Absorbed.

Hollow - without real or significant worth. I'm absolutely amazed at the number of females that don't realize how hollow they actually are. Your entire conversation is about who the last person you slept with. What inch hair you purchased from the beauty supply store and the sexy costume you're purchasing for Halloween. If you're more sophisticated its the same thought process. You just call it giving him his space and you discuss what Loubitons you bought and what upcoming vacation plans you have. If you want to know how significant you are ask this one question. How many people (excluding family) would miss the positive impact you have on their life if you died right now? Crickets. Substance can't be bought so I suggest you first find out what it is and then work on having some.

Overconfident - having too much confidence. I have never been witness to more people having nothing to offer besides "ass" and they believe its enough! NEWSFLASH: Its everywhere and guess what? Most are giving it up FOR NOTHING!!!! ***** caint be yo' only hustle!! (shout out to Kan-yeezy). Confidence cant be purchased. It develops over time. And contrary to the balance on your last credit card statement you are not winning. Him calling you Kim and your name is Kennedy is a direct result of him having met you before; even if he hasn't. You look just like the next overconfident broad on the scene and to him you are no different. Obnoxious, typical and tacky is what he sees and you're not worthy of distinction. Stop doing the most and figure out who you really are.

Expecting - to look forward with reason. If a man ask you on a date he owes you nothing except what he can afford. Dinner. Coffee. A walk through the park. One of those scenarios or something similar. That's it. Expecting that someone rolls out the carpet on the first or second date is just as ludicrous as the dude who thinks he can hit because you dined at a five star. Stop believing that you are just that awesome. You are not. Here's an idea. How about you expect to laugh, be respected and walked to your door at the end of the evening (without him expecting to come in). Yeah, lets start with expecting respect and not deviating from that.

Self Absorbed - preoccupied with ones thoughts or interests. Thoughts or interest? Bawawawawawaw. Girl Bye! You would actually have to have a thought or interest that goes beyond having a conversation about Stevie J. Unfortunately being self absorbed is not uncommon and I see it in girls as young as 11. Having the capacity to think beyonds one self is the best thing anyone could do. Oops. There goes that word again - think. For the love of humanity please wake up and understand that you are not that important. Unless you've found a cure for cancer or opened an all girls school in South Africa on your own dime please just turn, walk away and begin to ponder what you can offer the world besides nothing.

One emotion sums up the reason I wrote this. Brokenhearted. As a woman if you can't look out and see the damaged we've caused and the reckless behaviour we continue to indulge then SCREAM WE HAVE TO FIX THIS -  then my worst fear has come true. We have become the soul-less gender.

the truth about . . . being on the "scene" after 30

"See Mike at thirty-two was still on the "SCENE". Had a son fifteen that he never saw twice. Sure he saw him as an infant, but he DISOWNED him like "If that was my son, he would look much different" - Sean Carter

Being on the scene at the age of 32 for Mike didn't end so well. If you're familiar with J's song "Meet the Parents" you know exactly how it ended. Even though Mike's demise was a bit more drastic than the average and his "scene" was the streets. The point is he was still on the "scene"at an age where most people find themselves having matured passed "hanging out" . No matter your "scene" of preference - to be on the "scene" after 30 is, well, just sad.

I'm sure you've been to a club or bar in the last 10 years. I'm also certain that during your time in "da club" you have been privy to the voyeuristic, sexually charged, insatiable actions of both the men and women. Men stand around and watch women give each other lap dances, simulate oral sex and parade themselves as the desperate one night stands that they are. Women in turn leave with the highest bidder. Do I hear 3 drinks?! 4 drinks?! Bottle service and drinks for me and my girls?! Sold!!!!!!

I expect this behavior from children in adults bodies (19-29) but after the age of 30 it's becomes apparent that you were not required or had any intentions of ever making better decisions while you were in your 20's.  Let me also address the social climbers. Just because your "scene" is the black tie affair at $250 a ticket doesn't mean you're any different. No matter how you dress it up - it is what it is. It's not a terribly difficult decision to find a partner and begin a new life together; or simply get to the point where that behavior is past tense.

The one constant about the "scene" is that is never changes. Same broads, same dudes, same music, same drinks. How could that be? Because there is never a shortage of those who like to "front" or pretend as if  life lived this way is the best thing since the Internet NEWSFLASH. They don't believe it - which is why they are on the scene. Hoping and wishing that they'll meet that someone who will change their Saturday night habit or at least sponsor a bill or two.

the truth about . . . Bindergate

(In my rapping yet singing voice) I've got *oes in different area codes. I wasn't sure if I was listening to Luda featuring Nate Dogg or a presidential candidate lay out his plan on combating wage discrimination. Once Mitt Romney declared "we have binders full of women" I thought "wow having binders full of women will definitely ensure that I am paid a fair and equal wage in comparison to my male counterpart". The problem with Mitt Romney and men like him and is that he lives in the "bubble". Stating employers will have to hire women in his new economy is like saying employers have to hire Black people - there's just so many of them. 

"We’re going to have to have employers in the new economy, in the economy I’m going to bring to play, that are going to be so anxious to get good workers they’re going to be anxious to hire women."

For argument sake lets just say in this "new economy" employers are eager to hire women. What about the current employers that don't  pay women what they pay men. Mitt Romney for some reason believes that decades of inequality are some how going to disappear because he is the president. Talk about ignorance coupled with arrogance.

Bindergate is the lie we can prevent Mitt from continuing to tell. "Equal work for equal pay" is just about as important to him as head start, birth control and Big Bird - which all happen to effect women. Just because Mitt has one (a mother and a wife) doesn't mean he cares about all of our issues and no man does. My issue with him is that he doesn't care enough to change the policies.